Thursday, June 22, 2006

Avoiding Armageddon: A Call To Action

You know what’s wrong with the world today? It doesn’t show enough signs of coming to an end.

Fortunately, we have these guys to pick up the slack:

For thousands of years, prophets have predicted the end of the world. Today, various religious groups, using the latest technology, are trying to hasten it. Their endgame is to speed the promised arrival of a messiah. For some Christians this means laying the groundwork for Armageddon.With that goal in mind, mega-church pastors recently met in Inglewood to polish strategies for using global communications and aircraft to transport missionaries to fulfill the Great Commission: to make every person on Earth aware of Jesus' message. Doing so, they believe, will bring about the end, perhaps within two decades.

The story mentions people of all religions doing things like making priestly robes or sprucing up cities in prophecies. Another way to hasten the coming of the Messiah is through cattle farming:

Then there is Clyde Lott, a Mississippi revivalist preacher and cattle rancher. He is trying to raise a unique herd of red heifers to satisfy an obscure injunction in the Book of Numbers: the sacrifice of a blemish-free red heifer for purification rituals needed to pave the way for the messiah.So far, only one of his cows has been verified by rabbis as worthy, meaning they failed to turn up even three white or black hairs on the animal's body.

Lott’s lot in life is not an easy one. Let no one tell you that raising virgin cows for Christ is easy, for they doth lie:

Facing a maze of red tape and testing involved in shipping animals overseas — and rumors of threats from Arabs and Jews alike who say the cows would only bring more trouble to the Middle East — he has given up on plans to fly planeloads of cows to Israel. For now.In the meantime, some local ranchers have expressed an interest in raising their own red heifers for Israel, and fears of hoof-and-mouth disease and blue tongue forced Lott to relocate his only verified red heifer — a female born in 1993 — to Nebraska.Cloning is out of the question, he said, because the technique "is not approved by the rabbinical council of Israel." Artificial insemination has so far failed to produce another heifer certified by rabbis."Something deep in my heart says God wants me to be a blessing to Israel," Lott said in a telephone interview. "But it's complicated. We're just not ready to send any red heifers over there."

Remember at the beginning of this post, when I was complaining about how the world’s not ending quick enough for my taste? Well, I lied. Truth is, I don’t want the world to end, especially now that I’m finally starting to get the hang of it.

So I was thinking, maybe we should all raise some heifers of our own, right? Red ones, except for those three black or white hairs. And then just before the inspection rabbis come we use electrolysis to pluck the hairs out forever! Those dead cowhair follicles will keep us safe once the pre-Armageddon sacrifice is attempted.


Anonymous Bee said...

What has happened to shame in America? I keep asking this question, as if there were an answer. I mean - why aren't people laughing in these loon's faces? How will they know we think they're f-ing retarded, if we just politely let them get on with being idiots? I mean, *I'm* embarrased on their behalf!

5:09 PM  
Blogger Jennifer said...

So, Bee, I take it you won't be donating to the Buy Jennifer A Red-Heifer Ranch To Save The World fund?

6:13 PM  

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