Thursday, September 20, 2012

Save Me, Uncle Sam! I've Lost Control

I'm trying to kick a drug addiction. The monkey on my back has sunk its sharp claws deep into me in a strangled mixed metaphor no self-respecting English-major professional like me would commit to print, were her judgment not clouded by the aforementioned addiction. Really strong, choice Colombian product -- it's become a crutch rather than a pick-me-up but I'm determined to break that crutch and my dependence on caffeine and walk on my own two legs again, by Zod. I'm feeling okay. Yeah, I think I can do this OH MY GOD THE HALLUCINATIONS ARE STARTING THERE'S BUGS CRAWLING EVERYWHERE ... no, wait, that's not a hallucination. That's just me living in The South nowadays. Damned bugs. Screw this; I'm making some coffee.

So here I am, hooked on a strong Columbian intoxicant and suffering actual medical withdrawal symptoms when I try not-using it. Doesn't matter how many hours of quality sleep I get of a night; I still won't feel well-rested until I drink that first cup of coffee. So much for use in moderation. The government ought to ban this poison. You know what would really help me improve my life via ending my coffee dependence? An armed SWAT team working in conjunction with the DEA, breaking into my house, demolishing everything within it and hauling me off to spend several years in prison.

Oh, dear Zod, did I actually write that? The hallucinations really are starting.

5 Comments:

Anonymous Ole Phat Stu said...

You surprise me.
The "coffee" I've been sold in the States (at HoJos, diverse hotels, in diverse companies, Wendy's etc etc) has been so weak compared to the stuff I get in Yurp that I've confused it with dishwater.

Oh, and I NEVER took them up on that 'bottomless cup' offer...

5:15 AM  
Blogger Jennifer Abel said...

I make my own coffee, in a display of the rugged self-reliance the Republicans like to clamor about.

11:21 AM  
Anonymous smartass sob said...

The government ought to ban this poison. You know what would really help me improve my life via ending my coffee dependence? An armed SWAT team working in conjunction with the DEA, breaking into my house, demolishing everything within it and hauling me off to spend several years in prison.

Please don't give them any ideas. I was going to ask if you were attempting to start a war. But there wouldn't be any war - Americans would just roll over for a coffee ban like they do eveything else.

BTW, why on Earth would you want to give up coffee? It's supposed to be good for you - even without the cigarettes.

1:31 PM  
Anonymous Russ 2000 said...

Caffeine addiction. Goes away in twelve hours if you're willing to sleep off the headache. And decaf doesn't help. I expect to be sleeping off an addiction tomorrow, it'll be back in a couple weeks.

3:33 PM  
Blogger Charles Pergiel said...

You are wonderful!

11:30 AM  

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