Thursday, May 05, 2016

Friendly Advice for the GOP

I spent the past few days on a road trip to St. Louis and back, and drove westward across Indiana on the Sunday before Tuesday's primary, which is how I heard an actual radio ad promoting Ted Cruz. Actually, I only heard part of it, over the reasoned political commentary (read: trumpet-fart noises) I made throughout.

Still, I was genuinely shocked on Tuesday night, when I heard that Ted Cruz dropped out of the race, effectively ceding the nomination to Donald Trump. And I know the GOP movers-n-shakers are now wondering, "What the hell happened? How did we so lose control over our own party that an unprincipled narcissistic opportunist like Donald Trump became our presidential front-runner?"

I think y'all's problem is this: you haven't expressed contempt and/or hatred for enough of your fellow Americans. These past few years, you've ONLY lashed out against secularists, scientists, "liberals," gay people and friends thereof, poor people and friends thereof, sexually active women (willing or otherwise) who don't want to be mommies just yet, immigrants, non-whites, non-Christians and anyone with non-traditional hetero missionary-position sexuality.

In other words: you obviously do not yet hate enough of your fellow Americans to get yourselves elected into the White House. So maybe you could try making your big tent a just little bit bigger? In addition to the aforementioned "threats to campaign against, rather than voters to be courted," try adding a few more planks to your campaign platform: you ought to start lashing out against pet owners, chocolate lovers, folks with seasonal allergies, and people who wear corrective eyeglasses. (Hey, that last bit worked well for the Khmer Rouge in Cambodia; why shouldn't it work for you, too)?

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