Updated Hymns For Modern Christianity

While reading the news today I was for some reason reminded of various hymns I learned as a Christian child. I think this one was probably my favorite:

Jesus loves me, this I know
for the Bible tells me so.
And He loves you the same way
unless you're divorced or gay.
Then, Jesus hates you
Yes, Jesus hates you.
He really hates you
your sex life makes Him cry.

Once I got old enough to join the children's choir, I was expected to learn longer songs with more sophisticated lyrics. This is one I performed practically every Sunday:

Jesus loves the little children
unless they are migrant scum
Red, brown, yellow, black and white
Last one's precious in His sight
Jesus loves some little children
in the world.

Jesus died for all the children
who hail from the USA
and speak English, and are white,
they are precious in His sight.
Jesus died for all the children
around here.

Jesus rose for all the children
from north of the Rio Grande.
All the others can get fucked
Jesus don't love them enough
Jesus only rose for children
just like meeee.