Tuesday, January 22, 2019

Clearly, these new fans don't APPRECIATE the band like I do

Confession: there is a certain personality type we-all like to mock, the sort of person who always makes a point of saying things like "I liked that band before they got popular" and "These newcomer fans, they don't truly appreciate the music the way we early adopters do." Pompous snobs, I always thought, except now I suddenly find myself kinda empathizing with them.

Late last night/early this morning, I was going through a collection of old (mid-00s) mix CDs I recently found, with lots of glum-but-beautiful Goth/darkwave/dark ambient stuff of the sort Projekt Records put out in the 90s and early 00s. Naturally, I wanted to listen to those discs -- but I am still looking to buy a replacement CD player for my ancient broken one, and I dislike playing discs on my computer because it's rather old (Jeff and I are currently engaged in SeriousTalks™ about replacing it) and discs make it even slower than it already is. Luckily, many of those songs have videos on YouTube -- usually homemade fan videos of the song playing over a still graphic of the album cover.

One mix-CD song I found on YouTube is "Russia," from a band called "Black Tape for a Blue Girl." It was originally a track off an album titled As One Aflame Laid Bare By Desire, though it might also have been released on one of Projekt Record's periodic From Across This Gray Land, volume 1 or 2 or 3 or whatever compilation discs (roughly 90 percent of all Goth bands, songs and album titles have names like that). I have multiple Gray Land volumes and a copy of AOALBBD somewhere in my CD collection, so when I burned those now-ancient mix discs I must've taken "Russia" off one of them.

So, about last night: I looked for and found a video for "Russia," by "Black Tape For a Blue Girl." Even remembered, after all this time, to start the song at the three-minute mark so as to avoid the veeeeeeerrrry sloooooow intro, and delve right into the "only moderately slow" main part of the song. Started playing the song, turned back to the papers I was writing on -- and only then did I take a second look at the computer monitor displaying a [presumably homemade fan] video of "Russia," with the song performed over a still graphic of the album cover. But -- which album? Was it As One Aflame Laid Bare By Desire? From Across This Gray Land, Volume Whatever? Or possibly some newish re-release introducing classic fin-de-millennium Goth music to a new generation, something along the lines of Projekt Sampler: Best of the Depressed?

The third guess was ... not correct, but the closest to it. That particular music video for "Russia" comes from an album titled Fifty Shades Darker (music for a sensual evening). With "sensual," per the album cover, apparently defined as "the sort of night where the woman spends the evening with her wrists tied to her ankles." NTTAWWT, and I definitely don't want to be the judgmental type who runs around telling consenting adults "Look, if you wanna engage in an evening of mass-marketed mainstream vanilla-scented softcore BDSM you gotta get better background music than that" but -- seriously, there are many dark-n-gothy tunes that make for great sexytime background music, but "Russia" is NOT one of them because the rhythm is waaaaay too slow. Even an especially lethargic tree sloth would eventually be like "C'mon, honey, you've got to pick up the pace here."

Clearly, anyone who only knows about Russia because of that Fifty Shades album doesn't appreciate the song the way I do. Remind me to buy a lawn so I can tell 'em to get off it.

BONUS:  Jennifer's recommended list of ACTUALLY SEXY dark Gothy songs (in no particular order):

1. Only Fooling by David Cross

2. Drown by Strange Boutique
3. Dirt From A Holy Place by Office of Strategic Influence/OSI [start at the 1:40 mark because Gothy songs are waaaay too fond of overly slow intros]
4. NOT Russia by Black Tape For a Blue Girl
5. Fear of Ghosts by The Cure
6. A Girl Called Harmony by Attrition
7. Christian Woman by Type O Negative
8. Definitely not Russia by Black Tape For a Blue Girl
9. Elyria by Faith and the Muse
10. Always, Dear Iris by Skinner Box
11. Mediterranea by Love Spirals Downwards
12. I told you twice already: no, N-O, to Russia by Black Tape for a Blue Girl. It does not make the cut. I'm not denying it's a good song, I'm just saying it's no good for this purpose.
13. Make It Right (F.F.S.) by Anathema
14. Ionia by Lycia
15. Haunted by Gary Numan
16. I said NOT RUSSIA. No, nada, nein, nyet. Why do you keep recommending it for this list? You CANNOT have good sex to the rhythm of this song. What is wrong with you? Have you ever actually had sex before?! JFC, I almost wanna slap you except if you need my help to put together a sexy-music set list marketed for BDSM sessions I'm afraid you'd probably enjoy it. I APPRECIATE THIS MUSIC ON A MUCH DEEPER LEVEL THAN YOU, DAMMIT!!!

Ahem. [Embarrassed throat-clearing] Carry on.


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