Expanding My Horizons Without Leaving My Couch
Buying additions for my collection can get a wee bit pricey at times, so I’m in the market for a less expensive hobby and I think I’ve found one: Conspiracy Theorism.
Let me share with you the conspiracy theory I’m developing right now: the Patriot Act is a government plot written by the credit-card companies to force all Americans into eternal debt slavery. My eureka moment (or "awakening," in conspiracy-theorist terms) came when I tried opening a savings account at a local bank.
I already have a savings account, of course, but I’m fed up with my current bank because they keep making bonehead mistakes that take forever to fix. So I figured I’d switch to another one just down the street. Unfortunately, it’s illegal for me to open a new bank account right now because I don’t have the required paperwork. Specifically, the Patriot Act requires a person opening a savings account to have two forms of ID but I only had one with me — a driver’s license.
I’m trying to figure out a plausible scenario beginning with “Jennifer opens a bank account with only one form of ID” and ends with “Thus did New York disintegrate into a giant mushroom cloud, which never would have happened if only she’d been required to show two forms of ID when she opened that account.” For that matter, replace “Jennifer” with “a bona fide TERRORIST” and I still can’t think of a plausible way that could play out.
But I digress. Here’s the hook on which my conspiracy theory hangs: for a second form of identification, I can use a credit card. So can you. We’ve all seen news stories about toddlers or housepets
Yet as a defense against terrorism you can’t open a bank account and save money unless you have two forms of (presumably anti-terrorist) identification, and a credit card counts as one.
Conspiracy theorists often repeat themselves, though you may not notice this at first because the restatements sound a little different each time. Legally, I need no proof of identity to get into credit-card debt, yet credit-card debt (or at least acquiring the means to get into it) counts as one of the forms of ID the government requires before I’m allowed to save money rather than owe it