Wednesday, March 28, 2007

Worst. Phone Whore. Ever.

As I mentioned in the comments in the previous post, I'm so incompetent at phone sex that I got fired from the chatline after only one night. But I got enough to write one hell of a story. I gave the draft to my (male) boss yesterday, and I'm guessing we'll have an editorial conference today or tomorrow. That should get interesting: "Jennifer, the fake orgasm in paragraph one sounds a little too fake, don't you think? Wow, you sure say 'God' a lot for an atheist. And I wonder if 'Clintonian acts' might be too obscure a way of saying 'blowjobs.'"

So far the working title is "For A Good Time, Call Jennifer." If y'all can think of anything better, please let me know.

25 Comments:

Blogger rhhardin said...

The fake orgasm was invented by Cleopatra, in Antony and Cleopatra, a moment (for Shakespeare's time) marking the advent of skepticism.

That made it necessary for women to theatricalize themselves. She can tell he's satisfied with her, but how can he tell she's satisfied with him?

Marriage is reinvented, after the world withdraws, so that skepticism does not threaten it.

``Husband, I come.'' [V, ii, 286]

9:32 AM  
Anonymous NoStar said...

My favorite form of phone sex is to set my cell phone to vibrate, stick it in my pocket and hand out rolls of quarters with my number on them to the High School co-eds.
;~)

I keed, I keed.

10:17 AM  
Anonymous A Moose said...

And I wonder if 'Clintonian acts' might be too obscure a way of saying 'blowjobs.'"

Not to be pedantic, but if you're not pitchin, but catchin, I think the proper term would be a "Monica". Clinton was pitchin...At least that's the story and the dress is stickin to it.

Back under the rock, I know, I know

1:01 PM  
Anonymous A Moose said...

attempting to redeem himself, Moose tries to come up with a title...

"Continuing an Oral Tradition"?
"Cum Hear You!"


Or maybe I better stop now.

1:48 PM  
Anonymous NoStar said...

Oh yeah, I forgot to suggest a title.

A Four Letter Word For Intercourse: TALK

2:30 PM  
Anonymous smartass sob said...

``Husband, I come.'' [V, ii, 286]

Yeah, you go, girl!

A title for the article? Hmm...

Jackin' Off With Jenny?
(I know....back under the rock with Moose. I'm goin'.)

3:54 PM  
Blogger Windypundit said...

Maybe, for your next article on the seamier ways women can make money, you could try something like selling your used panties online.

You know, just to get material for your article.

Not that *I* would ever want to buy your panties or anything like that! Ha ha ha! 'Cause I don't. I'm not into that kind of thing and I think it's sick sick sick! I have no interest in sniffing your used string bikini or leopard print g-string or baby blue cotton fullbacks or hot pink boy shorts or deep red satin miero shorts or anything like that. I'm just suggesting it as an idea for you. Heh heh. Boy, it would sure be funny if you thought I was into something like that, wouldn't it? HA ha ha!

11:57 PM  
Blogger sink sink socks said...

We learn from neuropsychology that an important part in the functional activity of the apparatus is attributed to such regulations through the qualitative intelligence excitation of the sensory organs...

1:35 AM  
Anonymous A Moose said...

Not that *I* would ever want to buy your panties or anything like that! Ha ha ha! 'Cause I don't.

Damn rampant out of control development! I'm moving under a different rock, too crowded here!

5:02 AM  
Blogger Jennifer said...

My editor really liked the story, and even the publisher (who rarely deigns to take notice of lowly staff writers) complimented me in the break room yesterday. (The publisher is a woman, by the way.) I'm currently making some editorial changes--there's one part my boss wants me to tighten and another part he wants expanded--but this is going to be GREAT.

6:36 AM  
Anonymous A Moose said...

there's one part my boss wants me to tighten and another part he wants expanded--

I will not comment
I will not comment
I will not comment
I will not comment
Dammit, we ran out of chalkboard!

7:23 AM  
Blogger Jennifer said...

De nada, Moose. For a few days after I worked the line, pretty much everything sounded like a double entendre to me: "I need to reboot my computer. Dude, can you forward me that e-mail? I'm gonna study this municipal budget, oh God oh God."

8:15 AM  
Anonymous NoStar said...

"...pretty much everything sounded like a double entendre to me"

So, now you have a deeper understanding of how males experience lingual communications.

9:15 AM  
Anonymous SpotWeld said...

Alternate Title:
If the phone company was still Ma Bell, would this make her a MILF?

10:42 AM  
Anonymous a moose said...

If the phone company was still Ma Bell, would this make her a MILF

Red hair, curls, intelligent, generally good looking, and has a defensible belief system. Does it matter what the first letter is?

Good god, did I say that out loud?

I am hypothetically speaking, of course, um...er..never mind. I'm really..um...Windypundit...in disguise. Yeah..that's it...just trying to pretend I'm someone else...so nobody thinks I want...uh...panties, yeah, that's the ticket...

I'm gonna study this municipal budget, oh God oh God."

Now THAT one is a stretch I can't even make. "Municipal"?

11:02 AM  
Blogger Jennifer said...

"Municipal." Of or relating to a municipality; e.g. a city.

You know, my boss is totally cool about me faking orgasms and various sex acts over the phone, but when he read the part about how I used chocolate liqueur to get drunk beforehand I think he lost all respect for me.

11:24 AM  
Anonymous a moose said...

"Municipal." Of or relating to a municipality; e.g. a city.

Got that...where's the double E (with apologies to Dolly)?

11:51 AM  
Blogger Joshua Holmes said...

when he read the part about how I used chocolate liqueur to get drunk beforehand I think he lost all respect for me.

He wouldn't be the only one.

6:40 PM  
Blogger Jennifer said...

Picky, picky, picky. I never claimed to be a drinker.

6:46 AM  
Anonymous Stevo Darkly said...

there's one part my boss wants me to tighten and another part he wants expanded

That immediately made me cackle.

De nada, Moose. For a few days after I worked the line, pretty much everything sounded like a double entendre to me: "I need to reboot my computer. Dude, can you forward me that e-mail? I'm gonna study this municipal budget, oh God oh God."

I too had one of those experiences that made everything sound like a double entendre to me. It was called "being a male in high school." The bus dropped us off in front of the school 30 minutes before they unlocked the buildings and let us in, so I would hang out in front of the statue of St. Thomas Aquinas with Steve P. and Dan and Mario and Tony and Rocky the World's Most Hirsute Sophomore and we would all talk about what we had to eat in our lunch bags...

I imagine the effect will wear off eventually.

3:06 PM  
Anonymous Stevo Darkly said...

BTW, Jennifer, next time, for a woman-friendly beverage that will get you drunk effectively and efficiently, I recommend a Long Island ice tea.

3:08 PM  
Anonymous Stevo Darkly said...

Maybe "woman-friendly" was a sexist modifier. I meant "requires less effort to down than straight Jack Daniels."

3:10 PM  
Blogger Jessie said...

Haha- In college I thought that phone sex would be a great way to "sleep around" without really doing it. lol. I pretended to be a brunette into BDSM, because I thought it would be most interesting.... and it was amusing to learn what folks jerk off to.

I can't think of anything better for a headline... unless you make an obviously fake one (I think my phone sex name was Camillia Flowers).

6:15 PM  
Anonymous other said...

re: worst phone whore ever. I thought it was supposed to be whoor...or ho'.

8:03 PM  
Anonymous smacky said...

Other female-friendly drinks I personally recommend:

* vanilla vodka and Coke
* coconut rum and cranberry juice

5:57 PM  

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