Wednesday, July 11, 2007

Writer’s Block Sucks The Red Sulfurous Hairy Balls Of Satan

Holy bejeebus, I’m the most neglectful and irresponsible blogger anywhere. Here’s my non-excuse: I’ve had a near-fatal case of writer’s block, and what ability I could scrounge up all had to go toward my job.

Speaking of hairy balls, I did manage to produce a halfway-decent piece about “manscaping,” the growing (oops) trend of people pouring wax on their private parts so they can rip the hair off. I didn’t have much to say about the practice itself, so I amused myself (and hopefully my readers) by inventing euphemisms for it, including paring the pubic patch, pruning the curly branches, keeping the labial lawns mowed, transforming one’s shrubbery into topiaries, lumberjacking in the pelvic forest and downsizing the subwaist workforce.

Oh, and there’s this bit about the history of depilatory procedures. And Seneca the Younger.

I have no life, but at least I have a knack for metaphor.

18 Comments:

Anonymous A Moose said...

I have to say, the pain was not as bad as I had imagined.

Something I don't want to try.

Welcome back, btw

5:10 AM  
Blogger Anj said...

I have tried to do this myself as a neater alternative to keeping the hedges trimmed...never again! I couldn't even get one strip removed and what did come off brought every bit of skin it was attached to with it. Ouch, to say the least. I'll be content to just use the hedge trimmer (beard trimmer) to get the job done. If I want to impress I may take a razor to it; but, that's not likely because of the ingrown hairs that result from that.

7:01 AM  
Anonymous NoStar said...

Once again Jennifer, you are on the cutting edge of journalism.

Errr? waxing edge?

Fun piece.

NoStar

9:29 AM  
Blogger Jennifer said...

I didn't mention the worst part of my writer's block: I had a chance to write a freelance piece for a new market, and I think I COMPLETELY muffed it. Goddammit. I sent the piece off--my SO says it was good, though not great--but I think it sucketh balls. And I've not heard back from the guy. I'll bet he hates it. I just blew that opportunity right the hell out of the water.

Goddammit.

9:59 AM  
Anonymous smartass sob said...

I had thought that Satan was supposed to have black balls, with a two-headed penis.



ps: I must say you've waxed quite elegantly about this whole subject. ;-)

11:52 AM  
Blogger Jennifer said...

Thank, Smartass! By the way, notice that the website now accepts comments. In case y'all wanted to write anything complimentary over where my boss can see it. Ahem.

11:54 AM  
Anonymous smartass sob said...

...quite elegantly...

That should have been eloquently. But either would work, I guess.

In case y'all wanted to write anything complimentary over where my boss can see it.

Do you think your editor would appreciate my handle?

12:01 PM  
Blogger Jennifer said...

Do you think your editor would appreciate my handle?

Well, I'm still employed. Clearly, the man has the patience of Job.

12:17 PM  
Anonymous NoStar said...

Just as you threw yourself into phone sex work for the sake of getting a good story, did you also get a bikini wax in the name of good investigatory journalism?

Inquiring minds want to know!

I'd love to see the faces of the bean-counters when you run that past them in your expense account. (I am a bean-counter.)

9:00 PM  
Blogger Jennifer said...

No, NoStar, I didn't. This piece was originally supposed to be specifically about the fact that more and more straight men are getting this technique done, which is apparently true in New York City but isn't the case here. So I told my boss I'd have to flesh out (oops) the story with historical data and my own funny tangents.

If I had offered to get a waxjob done, I bet my editors would have totally gone for it. (And I don't mean that as any sort of double entendre.) But no. Phone sex is one thing, since you're fully dressed and all alone, with nobody to see you possibly make a fool of yourself. No physical pain, either.

5:40 AM  
Blogger Anne O'Neimaus said...

I tried to comment after you announced this change in your last 'blog article. I couldn't find your article, though (nor any easy-to-find link to you and yours from the paper's home page).

I then picked an article at random, and spent some time looking for the comments section - didn't find it. Finally, I found a link to leave a comment, which I then did (basically stating that I was just making a comment to try out the commenting system). It worked, and the comment dutifully appeared at the bottom of the article.

Thus, from my small and unscientific sample, I would guess that few people of any stripe are leaving comments, as yet.

9:05 AM  
Blogger Anne O'Neimaus said...

Personally (very), I've never understood the depilation of pubic areas trend. I've always enjoyed hair on a partner's pubes, as long as it's clean. It typically holds a pheromonal scent that only adds to the experience, as well as providing a more-interesting tactile sensation.

"Bare as a baby" just makes it seem too much like pedophilia, for me...

9:13 AM  
Blogger Anne O'Neimaus said...

A while back, a Texas department store briefly made national news, by publishing a women's lingerie ad in which a curl or two of stray pubic-hair had crept out-of-cover from the panties the model was wearing.

As I recall from the article I saw about this, the store manager was actually quite happy with the ad. I think he said: "We sold out in three days!"

Clearly, there is some sort of mystique about hair (or, I guess, the lack of it) on "private parts".

9:17 AM  
Blogger Jennifer said...

I'm a mammal with the mammaries to prove it. So even if I had a taste for pain, I don't think waxing is how I'd express it.

10:55 AM  
Anonymous A Moose said...

I've always enjoyed hair on a partner's pubes, as long as it's clean.

And of reasonable length. While I agree shaved look is too close to pedophile to me, too much is not necessarily a good thing either. Call me Goldilocks if you must, but it must be jussssst right.

So even if I had a taste for pain, I don't think waxing is how I'd express it.

Given that I'm drawing a complete blank on this comment, seriously, I don't want to know.

1:36 PM  
Anonymous smartass sob said...

Call me Goldilocks if you must, but it must be jussssst right.

What must be jussssst right - the length, or the way we call you Goldilocks? We shan't call you Goldilocks at all - unless, of course, you're a blonde? ;-)

3:22 PM  
Blogger Jennifer said...

Given that I'm drawing a complete blank on this comment, seriously, I don't want to know.

I was actually alluding to a comment Anne made on the Advocate site about S&M.

5:47 PM  
Blogger rhhardin said...

All these metaphors are nicely summarized in a motto , and title of a blog piece.

``A bristly twat is a discourtesy to others.''

6:21 PM  

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