And That Book’s Closed

Today was my last day at work, and once I handed over my security badge around two in the afternoon I officially ceased to be a staff writer for the Advocate. My boss handed in his badge about ten minutes later, and in retrospect I kind of wish I’d let him go first so that when we were out drinking later I might’ve said “Ha! I outlasted you there.” On the other hand, that would’ve been rude. (Bear in mind I drink so rarely that I’m a total lightweight when I do.)

The first thing I did after becoming unemployed today was walk into the sales office, remove something from the supply drawer, hold it up and announce “As a non-employee, I am not entitled to this Bic pen but I’m taking it anyway and I’m not giving it back.” And I didn’t, because I am a badass. I also consumed company coffee while making photocopies on company paper with company ink on the company Xerox machine. My Boss-Who’s-Keeping-His-Job took me out to lunch, and when we returned to the office I almost reached for my badge to let us in before remembering I no longer had one.

The few members of the editorial staff whose jobs survived the downsizing epidemic chipped in to buy me the most thoughtful present I’ve ever received from someone who wasn’t either sleeping with me or hoping to do so: a framed and mounted copy of the cover from my phone sex story and a bottle of chocolate booze, which I’d mentioned drinking in the story before actually working the sex line. (Except I drank the cheap stuff, whereas my colleagues bought me Godiva.)

I should probably tell you it’s illegal to click on those last two links unless you’re over 21. In fact, I should probably have mentioned that before embedding said links.

Anyway, I have a couple of feelers out, and sent a few snail- and e-mail applications already. Meanwhile, I need a proper libertarian justification for going on unemployment. Right now I’m going with “Well, my employer had to pay the premiums anyway, and if they hadn’t done that they’d’ve given the money to me instead,” except I know I’m lying. So I’ll stick with “The HR lady told me to file and said the company wouldn’t contest it” accompanied by “I’m all for standing on principle, but not to the point of being a damned martyr about it.” If y’all can think of anything better, please do tell me here.