Saturday, February 23, 2008

The Feral Genius 2008 Presidential Endorsement

All right. Fine. I have come to terms with the very real possibility that I won’t be able to vote for Ron Paul in the presidential election as I did in the primary. So I have to decide who to endorse for President. (Endorsements are apparently a vital blogger/pundit/journalist responsibility, because endorsements matter a great deal to the sort of people who base their voting decisions on them.) However, I was so focused on Paul these past few months that I completely ignored the other thousand or so presidential candidates. Who are they? A Web search for the terms “for president” and “2008” uncovered some possibilities:

The Eventual Non-Paul Republican Candidate: Hell no.

The Eventual Democratic Candidate: Absolutely not.

The Eventual Libertarian Candidate: Fuck no; he’s clinically insane. I don’t even know who he is yet, but I know he’ll be clinically insane because a study of recent LP candidates indicates that the party charter demands this. Will it be a guy whose main platform plank invokes the abolishment of driver’s licenses, or a human Smurf whose skin turned blue due to his belief that drinking silver milkshakes was the best way to Stick It To The Man? Maybe this year they’ll nominate that Time Cube guy.

Lance M. Brown: Brown says he’s a libertarian who’s constitutionally old enough to be the president. But his link list shows a tendency to make appallingly bad choices: there’s no mention of me under “Libertarian Bloggers,” but he does link to “Blind Date” under the category “TV I Watch.” Nope. Sorry. One could be forgiven, but not both.

Ron Jeremy: I actually had high hopes for this one, because his name sounds a little like Ron Paul’s and his campaign slogan practically writes itself: “Ron Jeremy for President. This time, let’s give America a good screwing.” Unfortunately, his campaign website indicates the actual slogan is “He’s a Long Shot,” and furthermore it’s not a legitimate campaign website at all but someone’s attempt to sell novelty T-shirts. I am crushed.

MacGyver: I like the idea of a can-do sort of president who’ll be able to solve America’s many problems with only two paper clips, a Ziploc bag and a bottlecap (which, coincidentally, will be all that’s left in America’s treasury after eight years of Bushian fiscal irresponsibility). But nobody with a mullet like that can be trusted near The Button. No.

Jack Bauer: He was pretty sexy when he played that vampire in The Lost Boys, and if I vote for him maybe he’ll let me drink some of that magic immortality blood so I can spend the rest of eternity as a night-owl California vampire beach Goth. That would be pretty cool. Except I won’t vote for anyone who’s pro-torture. Bauer’s out.

Jonathon the Impaler: I think America’s ready for its first Goth president, but his “About Me” Profile mentions his pride in his three lovely children. Fucking poser. No.

Cthulhu: Voting for the lesser evil does get old after awhile, but is the greater evil really an improvement? The last seven years say no. Besides, his appearance leads me to suspect he has a history of working in Japanese tentacle porn, which means he has no chance of winning the all-important “family” vote. I’ve already voted for one loser this season, and don’t want to repeat myself. Cthulhu’s out.

General Zod: Henry David Thoreau said “simplify, simplify,” and on those grounds Zod’s platform is appealing: rather than be enslaved to the crony corporations and the military-industrial complex and the nanny regulatory state, we’ll simply be enslaved to the Kryptonian. I like this no-bullshit, cut-to-the-chase approach. But Zod also says he’s for universal health care, and our medical system is messed up enough already without giving the government a monopoly on it. No.

Denny Crane: Never heard of him before; apparently he’s some lawyer who looks exactly like William Shatner. I hate lawyers. No.

Locutus of Borg: Pretty hot for a bald guy, but if I wanted to assimilate into the collective I’d just vote for the damn Democrat.

Cheysuli the Siamese Cat: Decent platform, but according to her biography she’s only three years old which means that, unlike Lance M. Brown, she is not constitutionally old enough to be president and by the time she is she’ll be dead. Also, I don’t particularly like cats. No.

Christopher Walken: On the plus side, I’m pretty sure he’s an actual real person, unlike many on this list. On the minus side, his platform thus far sounds like a bunch of stupid touchy-feely hippie crap. Also, he’s an actor. Here’s what happened the last time we had an actor in the White House: on the day of his inauguration, I was this rather homely little thing with cowlicky hair and jack-o-lantern teeth and too many elbows and knees, but by the end of that eight-year administration I was by all accounts (save that of my little brother) quite cute.

Observe the cause-and-effect relationship here:

Actor gets in the White House = Jennifer gets a lot prettier.**

The choice is obvious: Walken for President!

**This is no dumber than any of the other endorsement rationales you'll see. Just wait and watch if you don't believe me.


Blogger St. Louis Inquirer said...

I think you omitted the very, very obvious choice. Kodos.

2:34 PM  
Anonymous NoStar said...

If you were any cuter, I might not be able to keep my crush on you under control and my actions well beneath the legal description of stalking.

So, for your benefit and my own, Christopher Walken will not get my vote. Presently I plan to write-in Ron Paul.

6:31 PM  
Anonymous A Moose said...

Damn, I was hoping for the A Moose outside endorsement, just to counter the SOB dedicated post. ::sigh:: ok, slinking back into my corner.

10:53 AM  
Anonymous smartass sob said...

...just to counter the SOB dedicated post.

Actually,...SOB for President sounds pretty good. I mean - isn't that what we end up calling whoever wins?

5:26 PM  
Anonymous NoStar said...

"isn't that what we end up calling whoever wins?"

Of course if Hillary wins, we would have to drop the "S. O." from the S.O.B.

9:59 AM  
Anonymous A Moose said...

Of course if Hillary wins, we would have to drop the "S. O." from the S.O.B.

Nah, you can leave it, just makes it "Spawn Of a Bitch" instead.

5:23 AM  
Anonymous smartass sob said...

For what it's worth and for all the good it does, I just now finished voting for Ron Paul in the Texas Republican Primary. First time in my voting life that I have voted in a primary or for a Republican. They stamped my voter's registration card with a garrish red Republican which I'll have to bear until they come out with new cards in a couple years. And I'll be officially "Republican" for a year or two - or whatever. I suppose it could have been worse - they could have made me wear a scarlet "R" on my shirt or tattoo it on my forehead. At least it's not permanent. But the feeling of being lumped in with some of those people - eew! I haven't felt like this since the morning after the last time I had a one-night stand with someone I'd picked up in a bar.

2:46 PM  
Blogger Charles Pergiel said...

When I saw the name General Zod on your list I pictured the villain from "The Fifth Element". I thought he matched your desciption, plus he would bring an element of style to the office.

8:23 PM  

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