An immigrant friend of mine just got promoted to Legal Resident status which is, as I understand it, the last signpost on the road to full-fledged citizenship in our dying republic. Welcome! For his benefit, and that of any other Legal Residents who chance to read this, I offer the following list of helpful tips on fitting in with the citizenry of your new homeland:
- Decorate your house and augment your wardrobe so that you’re always within sight of the Stars and Stripes. Patriotic Americans always surround themselves with plenty of flags, in case they forget what country they live in and need a quick reminder. An American-flag belt buckle the size of a dinner plate is a tasteful and stylish way to do this.
- Corollary: If you become a citizen, and thus get the right to vote, remember that Patriotic Americans only ever vote for candidates who wear American-flag lapel pins whenever they’re photographed in public.
- Patriotic Americans show faith in the strength of their currency. Whenever you hear someone discuss the price of consumer items in foreign countries (e.g, “This DVD costs 10 pounds in England” or “I paid five Euros for a beer in France”), look perplexed and ask “How much is that in real money?”
- When visiting foreign countries, Patriotic Americans remember that they represent not just themselves, but their countrymen as well. Take personal responsibility for having won World War Two, especially around Europeans who always appreciate it when drunk Yank tourists say “If it weren’t for us, you’d all be BLEARGH speaking German right now.”
- Corollary: don’t try this in Germany.
- Or Russia. Never try this in Russia.
- Patriotic Americans know that sticking a magnetic yellow ribbon on the back of their car makes life better for Our Troops.
- Patriotic Americans know that countries are like houses – once you come in, the polite thing to do is shut the door behind you. And since nobody comes in through Ellis Island anymore, this means that poem on the base of the Statue of Liberty no longer applies. So when asked why this great republic of ours is dying, Patriotic Americans blame it all on immigration and make a point of attending the next anti-immigration rally scheduled in their area.