The FBI Must Be Getting Bored

The other night I met with a meatspace friend of mine while he sat at his computer visiting the sort of websites where people download crisp, clear, copyright-violating copies of movies and DVDs. [Insert standard disclaimer here about how you shouldn’t commit acts of copyright violation because they are Wrong.]

I don’t actually download things myself, but I know from watching others do it that a single large file is broken down into smaller numbered files with the same name. There’s also something called a “par” file, which you’ll use to put the smaller files back together into a single coherent whole.

So when you look at the listings of movies and TV shows available, you’ll generally see each title repeated multiple times, like this:

Stupid Teen Movie 1
Stupid Teen Movie 2
Stupid Teen Movie 3
Stupid Teen Movie 4
Stupid Teen Movie 5
Stupid Teen Movie 6
Stupid Teen Movie 7
Stupid Teen Movie 8
Stupid Teen Movie PAR
Cheesy Sitcom Season One 1
Cheesy Sitcom Season One 2
Cheesy Sitcom Season One 3
Cheesy Sitcom Season One 4
Cheesy Sitcom Season One 5
Cheesy Sitcom Season One 6
Cheesy Sitcom Season One 7
Cheesy Sitcom Season One 8
Cheesy Sitcom Season One 9
Cheesy Sitcom Season One PAR
Chick Flick Romance 1
Chick Flick Romance 2
Chick Flick Romance 3
Chick Flick Romance 4
Chick Flick Romance 5
Chick Flick Romance PAR

And so forth. This is further broken down into categories, so you get one page with repeated names of science-fiction movies, one pageful of action TV dramas and a third with nothing but history-channel Hitler documentaries.

But the other night, there was something strange. No matter what category my friend visited, each list had at its beginning a single small file whose name was never repeated.

So the science fiction page looked something like this:

16 Year Old Rape
Generic Space Opera 1
Generic Space Opera 2
Generic Space Opera 3
Generic Space Opera 4
Generic Space Opera 5
Generic Space Opera PAR
The Star Wars Holiday Special 1
The Star Wars Holiday Special 2
The Star Wars Holiday Special 3
The Star Wars Holiday Special 4
The Star Wars Holiday Special 5
The Star Wars Holiday Special PAR

And the horror-movie page started as follows:

Oral Sex Lolita 14 Years Old
Zombie Brain Eaters 1
Zombie Brain Eaters 2
Zombie Brain Eaters 3
Zombie Brain Eaters 4
Zombie Brain Eaters 5
Zombie Brain Eaters PAR
You Think You Killed The Bad Guy But He’s Not Really Dead 1
You Think You Killed The Bad Guy But He’s Not Really Dead 2
You Think You Killed The Bad Guy But He’s Not Really Dead 3
You Think You Killed The Bad Guy But He’s Not Really Dead 4
You Think You Killed The Bad Guy But He’s Not Really Dead 5
You Think You Killed The Bad Guy But He’s Not Really Dead PAR

Even the cartoon page:

Two 13-Year-Olds Having Sex
Old Looney Tunes Shorts 1
Old Looney Tunes Shorts 2
Old Looney Tunes Shorts 3
Old Looney Tunes Shorts 4
Old Looney Tunes Shorts 5
Old Looney Tunes Shorts PAR
Go Smurf Yourself, Smurfhead 1
Go Smurf Yourself, Smurfhead 2
Go Smurf Yourself, Smurfhead 3
Go Smurf Yourself, Smurfhead 4
Go Smurf Yourself, Smurfhead 5
Go Smurf Yourself, Smurfhead PAR

“Why is there a kiddie porn file at the top of every page?” I asked my friend.

“Those files have been appearing for a couple weeks now,” he told me. “Always just one file.”

“Is it the Russian hacker mafia or the FBI?” I asked but of course there's no way of knowing, since we’re neither of us fool enough to click the mouse anywhere near a file with such a name.