Monday, December 21, 2009

The Jesus Spam Is Simply Getting Rude

Got a message in my spam folder today. The sender's name was "Warning/Bulletin! and subject heading: The return of Jesus!

The message is 6,425 words long, and written like a bad King James Bible knock-off:
Hear Me, oh My People! I am going to marry a Bride, who is holy, whose robe is radiantly clean and sparkling white! NO manner of world or worldly lusts will be in My Bride! Have you heard Me? Do you understand Me? For, holiness calls out to holiness! Deep calls out to deep! Make your way straight and stay in that straight place. For, there will be none, who are waffling and wavering, in My Kingdom!
I scrolled down a few pages pages and then found the following subheading:
The Only Cure For Morgellons Disease.

My Blessed Child, My Little Son (Manchild) will help many who are sick and dying from all manner of diseases, but he will set free especially many, who have the Morgellons Implant Disease! Yes, it is an implant disease, one in which Satan and his many hordes have viciously implanted the bodies of many with foreign substances, the purpose being to siphon off their light, and to overide their electrical 9neurological) systems until they are either mind controlled slaves, or dead! They really do not care, but delight in all the suffering, which they have inflicted upon these unsuspecting souls.
I did not understand how Jesus of all people could be imperfect enough to make a typo like writing 9 instead of a front parentheses mark, but as I scrolled through the next couple thousand words I saw that the e-mail suggested Morgellon's sufferers write to a woman in Arkansas and ask her to send them a special prayer cloth to cure them.

I also read the following suggestion:
Google as well, (Concentration Camps in America) it is being reported from many sources that there are over 800 mind control re-education camps now in place in America where they plan to torture, kill and mind control Christians! Please do the research and get prepared for what is coming!

Then came more rambling about Yahweh and prophecies and that wonderful woman in Arkansas, and at the very bottom of the e-mail, in a large, bold-print font, I saw the following:
This email is a non-commercial message, it is not subject to anti-spam legislation or unsubscribe requirements.
In other words: we can spam you as much as we want! I was going to write back and request that they keep me on their e-mailing list because I work at one of those camps and want to keep abreast of any developments which might threaten my job security, but on second thought decided it's best not to provoke crazy people.


Anonymous Cap'n NoStar said...

You should write back and explain that you have the experience to fix typos like that (for a fee, of course.)

Or was this some of your old spambot editing coming back to haunt you?

9:07 PM  
Blogger Jennifer said...

Nah, NoStar, the old spam karma is evident in the fact that you still have to type those damn word-verification tests to post here. Last week I had to delete three pieces of spam presumably posted by hand.

10:25 PM  
Blogger bass invader said...

yeah, I have/had a blog on here and its been completely overrun with spammers. I haven't posted in a long time so i don't care *too* much, but the constant updates to my phone are annoying.

PS i found your blog from - I really enjoy your writing style. my office is dead at the moment so whiling away the "we need you to fill a chair" hours with your blog has been fun.

10:21 AM  
Blogger Jennifer said...

My sympathies, BI. *I* have to work Christmas Day. Bleah.

10:49 AM  
Blogger rhhardin said...

"Whomever believes in Him shall not perish, but have eternal life."

real audio. KFI Los Angeles.

That's the austerity and dignity exemption that Thurber writes of.

4:32 PM  

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