Wednesday, November 25, 2009

Erma Bombeck Has Nothing To Fear

With the exception of being "heterosexual" and "a tad vain about my appearance," I have always been an unconventional woman who wouldn't recognize traditional femininity if it kicked me in the balls (that I'd use such a metaphor only underscores my point). So it's no surprise that the helpful household hints article I wrote for the latest issue of Life@Home magazine goes horribly, tragically wrong.
Whenever I throw a holiday party I greet my guests at the door, express sincere happiness at their arrival, then lie to them. "Please excuse the mess," I say, making a vague gesture to encompass the house I'd been cleaning frantically all the previous week. "You know how hectic holidays are."

Technically speaking, this is not a lie but two completely unrelated sentences that just happen to be close together. If people mistakenly assume a connection — that the holidays rather than my own bad habits are responsible for any lapse in neatness standards — well, I never say anything because a good hostess knows it's rude to contradict guests, especially when they're just arriving at your party.

6 Comments:

Anonymous smartass sob said...

Technically speaking, this is not a lie but two completely unrelated sentences that just happen to be close together.

I wasn't aware you were planning a carreer in politics - what position will you be seeking? :-)

11:13 AM  
Anonymous smartass sob said...

So it's no surprise that the helpful household hints article I wrote for the latest issue of Life@Home magazine goes horribly, tragically wrong.

What's wrong with it? I think it's quite witty. Hope they paid you some money for it.

11:24 AM  
Blogger Jennifer said...

Witty, yes, but God help anyone who follows it.

And hell yes, they paid me!

As for my political ambitions, I'm thinking "Empress" would be a good fit for me.

11:25 AM  
Blogger Taktix® said...

If well compensated, I am an excellent yes man, Empress...

11:31 AM  
Anonymous Jeff P said...

I will refrain from any comments on Jen's domestic skills.
I will mention that she wears the pants. The really, really small pants.

12:36 PM  
Blogger Windypundit said...

I have wisely chosen to visit other people for the holidays once again. I'll bring them some food and flowers. Took me about 1/2 hour to buy it all.

12:11 AM  

Post a Comment

Links to this post:

Create a Link

<< Home

FREE hit counter and Internet traffic statistics from freestats.com