The Feral Genius Applies For A Government Job
Not that I expect to be hired, but I’ve decided to apply for it anyway – thanks to the wonders of the internet, I can send off application letters and even entire clipfiles without having to pay any postage costs. I already have a resume tailored for writing/editing jobs in general, and wrote a cover letter for this one in particular. Here’s mine, and if you have any suggestions for improvement, please tell me in the comments. I really need/want this job:
My name is Jennifer Abel and I’d like to be the writer and editor you’re looking for with job announcement number FS-505757-SW11. As my attached resume indicates, I have ample experience in writing and editing; more importantly, I have ample experience dealing with angry clients, irate parents and other people with ruffled feathers in need of smoothing, and thus know how to defuse tense situations, a very important skill in making DHS/TSA practices palatable to the American public.
As a high school teacher, I assured many sets of parents that “Your child is destined for a happy, competent adulthood characterized by wise, intelligent decision-making, all thanks to your excellent helicopter parenting.” As an editor for a vanity publisher, I repeatedly tell authors “Your writing suggests you are neither functionally illiterate nor insane, and burning all the hard copies of your book and deleting all the computer files of it would be a very bad idea.” I once briefly worked for an ad agency where I convinced consumers “My client’s product is not worthless overpriced junk, but a useful bargain you should absolutely spend your money on.”
Ridiculous as these examples sound, I still convinced people to believe them. In other words, I’m very good at taking crap and convincing people it’s chocolate, and can surely convince travelers that being groped by government agents is perfectly compatible with life in a free country. I am also looking to replace “low-paid journalist” with a more respectable and stable career serving my government and my country, in that order, by working for the Department of Homeland Security. The ad for this job said “[Y]our services touch every US citizen,” and I personally am willing to touch as many US citizens, resident aliens and foreign tourists as necessary to make Janet Napolitano feel she has the whole “terrorism” thing safely under control.
I currently live in Connecticut but am willing to relocate to the Washington, DC area, and I can pass a drug test with only 30 days’ advance notice.
Thank you, and I look forward to discussing this position with you in greater detail.