Overthinking It (A Play in One Act)
OVERTHINKING IT
A play in one act
[Curtain rises to show the stage set for JENNIFER's home, with a spotlight trained on her office. A digital clock reads 9:00, and the shining electric lamps plus the night sky visible through the window indicate it's 9 p.m. rather than a.m. We see JENNIFER enter the room, sit at her computer desk, and go online, browsing through various sites until she reaches Facebook. JENNIFER never says a word, but an offscreen narrator – or maybe a recording which the actress playing JENNIFER made before the start of this play – does voiceover work so the audience knows what JENNIFER is thinking.]
JENNIFER'S VOICEOVER: Huh, look at that. {Former Colleague I Haven't Seen IRL In Over a Decade} is having a birthday today! Wonder what he's been up to? I'll go post a birthday greeting.
[JENNIFER clicks on FCIHSIRLIOAD's Facebook page and beholds the information thereon.]
JENNIFER'S VOICEOVER: Gainfully employed! Good for him. Very little Facebook activity, too – possibly even better for him, if it means he does more of his socializing IRL than online. In fact, none of his Facebook friends even bothered posting a birthday greeting on his wall. So I won't either – it would look weird if mine were the only one.
[JENNIFER arises from her computer desk and goes into the kitchen, where she engages in boring-but-necessary housekeeping tasks.]
JENNIFER'S VOICEOVER: I had no idea there were so many empty soda bottles to clean out for future hurricane-emergency water-storage purposes! What a backlog. If I had a maid she would be SO fired right now … huh. You know, it's less than three hours 'til midnight on {FCIHSIRLIOAD}'s birthday, and not one greeting on his Facebook wall. If he actually CARES about that sort of thing, that would be pretty depressing. Maybe I should post a greeting, after I finish with these stupid bottles.
[JENNIFER continues washing soda bottles. This is the comic-relief part of the play, because in order to clean the inside of a narrow-mouthed club-soda bottle, you must shake it so as to agitate the hot soapy water within – a perfectly innocent gesture, but if you have a dirty mind it's reminiscent of certain obscene acts one might theoretically perform upon a VERY well-endowed man.]
JENNIFER'S VOICEOVER: On the other hand, if {FCIHSIRLIOAD} actually cares about Facebook birthday greetings, one single greeting from a barely remembered colleague he last saw during the Bush administration might actually be worse than no greeting at all. It's like, if you're a waiter in a restaurant, getting stiffed on your tip is bad enough – but it's actually more insulting to be tipped a single bright, shiny penny. Because no tip at all might mean an honest oversight, but that penny is deliberate. And no birthday greetings at all might just mean Facebook's algorithm forgot to announce your birthday, but ….
[JENNIFER is still washing bottles, and now the comic-relief part of the play reaches its hilarious climax (sorry). Because – remember the previous allusion to soda bottles filling in for a well-endowed man? Well, turns out one of those bottles of soapy water had a slightly loose cap, which JENNIFER discovered quite by accident while shaking the bottle until the cap came off and white soapsuds shot out the narrow mouth of the long phallic bottle.]
JENNIFER'S ACTUAL VOICE: Fucking hell! Goddammit!
[JENNIFER grabs the roll of paper towels and starts wiping soapsuds off the counter.]
JENNIFER'S VOICEOVER: Stupid bottles. Stupid shoddy Georgia water system that breaks down every time a clumsy squirrel bumps into a goddamn water main.
[Pause]
JENNIFER'S VOICEOVER: You know, the idea that I'd give {FCIHSIRLIOAD} a birthday greeting if he already had several, but won't because he doesn't have any, seems kinda counterproductive, no? It's like “Oh, I'll be generous if I see a rich guy, but it would be unseemly to share with a penniless beggar.”
[JENNIFER finishes cleaning the countertop and goes back to the bottles.]
JENNIFER'S VOICEOVER: Jesus, that was an insulting thought to have! {FCIHSIRLIOAD} hardly compares to a penniless beggar. And even if you're lame enough to think Facebook 'likes' and birthday greetings actually freakin' matter, well, he has like a hundred more Facebook 'friends' than I do. This is ridiculous. I've cleaned enough bottles for one night. I should go do something else productive.
[JENNIFER walks to her couch, grabs the TV remote, and starts working through the backlog of 'adult' cartoons on her DVR.]
[Curtain falls]
A play in one act
[Curtain rises to show the stage set for JENNIFER's home, with a spotlight trained on her office. A digital clock reads 9:00, and the shining electric lamps plus the night sky visible through the window indicate it's 9 p.m. rather than a.m. We see JENNIFER enter the room, sit at her computer desk, and go online, browsing through various sites until she reaches Facebook. JENNIFER never says a word, but an offscreen narrator – or maybe a recording which the actress playing JENNIFER made before the start of this play – does voiceover work so the audience knows what JENNIFER is thinking.]
JENNIFER'S VOICEOVER: Huh, look at that. {Former Colleague I Haven't Seen IRL In Over a Decade} is having a birthday today! Wonder what he's been up to? I'll go post a birthday greeting.
[JENNIFER clicks on FCIHSIRLIOAD's Facebook page and beholds the information thereon.]
JENNIFER'S VOICEOVER: Gainfully employed! Good for him. Very little Facebook activity, too – possibly even better for him, if it means he does more of his socializing IRL than online. In fact, none of his Facebook friends even bothered posting a birthday greeting on his wall. So I won't either – it would look weird if mine were the only one.
[JENNIFER arises from her computer desk and goes into the kitchen, where she engages in boring-but-necessary housekeeping tasks.]
JENNIFER'S VOICEOVER: I had no idea there were so many empty soda bottles to clean out for future hurricane-emergency water-storage purposes! What a backlog. If I had a maid she would be SO fired right now … huh. You know, it's less than three hours 'til midnight on {FCIHSIRLIOAD}'s birthday, and not one greeting on his Facebook wall. If he actually CARES about that sort of thing, that would be pretty depressing. Maybe I should post a greeting, after I finish with these stupid bottles.
[JENNIFER continues washing soda bottles. This is the comic-relief part of the play, because in order to clean the inside of a narrow-mouthed club-soda bottle, you must shake it so as to agitate the hot soapy water within – a perfectly innocent gesture, but if you have a dirty mind it's reminiscent of certain obscene acts one might theoretically perform upon a VERY well-endowed man.]
JENNIFER'S VOICEOVER: On the other hand, if {FCIHSIRLIOAD} actually cares about Facebook birthday greetings, one single greeting from a barely remembered colleague he last saw during the Bush administration might actually be worse than no greeting at all. It's like, if you're a waiter in a restaurant, getting stiffed on your tip is bad enough – but it's actually more insulting to be tipped a single bright, shiny penny. Because no tip at all might mean an honest oversight, but that penny is deliberate. And no birthday greetings at all might just mean Facebook's algorithm forgot to announce your birthday, but ….
[JENNIFER is still washing bottles, and now the comic-relief part of the play reaches its hilarious climax (sorry). Because – remember the previous allusion to soda bottles filling in for a well-endowed man? Well, turns out one of those bottles of soapy water had a slightly loose cap, which JENNIFER discovered quite by accident while shaking the bottle until the cap came off and white soapsuds shot out the narrow mouth of the long phallic bottle.]
JENNIFER'S ACTUAL VOICE: Fucking hell! Goddammit!
[JENNIFER grabs the roll of paper towels and starts wiping soapsuds off the counter.]
JENNIFER'S VOICEOVER: Stupid bottles. Stupid shoddy Georgia water system that breaks down every time a clumsy squirrel bumps into a goddamn water main.
[Pause]
JENNIFER'S VOICEOVER: You know, the idea that I'd give {FCIHSIRLIOAD} a birthday greeting if he already had several, but won't because he doesn't have any, seems kinda counterproductive, no? It's like “Oh, I'll be generous if I see a rich guy, but it would be unseemly to share with a penniless beggar.”
[JENNIFER finishes cleaning the countertop and goes back to the bottles.]
JENNIFER'S VOICEOVER: Jesus, that was an insulting thought to have! {FCIHSIRLIOAD} hardly compares to a penniless beggar. And even if you're lame enough to think Facebook 'likes' and birthday greetings actually freakin' matter, well, he has like a hundred more Facebook 'friends' than I do. This is ridiculous. I've cleaned enough bottles for one night. I should go do something else productive.
[JENNIFER walks to her couch, grabs the TV remote, and starts working through the backlog of 'adult' cartoons on her DVR.]
[Curtain falls]
posted by Jennifer Abel at 10:18 PM
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