Sunday, July 16, 2006

Rapture Possesses You When You Have Taken The Scrape

Have I told you about the time I was thirteen and my mother grounded me after I threatened to sacrifice my Sunday-school teacher to Satan? Not my regular Sunday-school teacher, mind you, but the substitute who took over the teenage class when our regular teacher was out having her baby.

Every week Mom dragged me to that church, attended mostly by level-headed Methodists who, to their credit, knew the difference between miracles and hallucinations: miracles happen in the Bible, while hallucinations happen to you.

Then we had Mr. Pseudonym. Everybody knew he took his religion a lot more seriously than most. But when he became our substitute Sunday-school teacher, we teens were the first ones to learn just how seriously he took it.

“Sometimes I read my Bible in the closet with a penlight,” he’d solemnly tell us. “That’s what we’ll all have to do, once the Antichrist takes over.” As for the religious tolerance mainstream Methodism embraced at the time: “non-Christians will tell you stories about the miracles their gods have done. And they’re right, except those are really demons pretending to be gods, to mislead people with weak minds. Remember: Satan is the Father of Lies.”

On one level I fully appreciated the nuttery this represented. On the other hand — well, I did believe in God. And if Jesus could rise from the dead, why couldn’t fallen angels do magic, too? Besides, Mr. Pseudonym was a grown-up. A teacher, no less. A bona fide authority figure. I’d already met idiots in all three groups, but was still naive enough to think they were just bad apples rather than the majority of the orchard.

Also, those little demon spook stories made Sunday-school a hell of a lot more interesting than discussion-group topics like “If someone offers you drugs, why does God wants you to say no?” So my impressionable young self spent a few weeks in this contradictory twilight zone that was half scientific rationalism and half mystic Christianity, until Halloween.

Every year the church held a Halloween party for the kids, and we teenagers who were too old for trick-or-treating converted the darkened Sunday-school classrooms into a haunted house. We used refrigerator boxes to make a series of tunnels the kids would crawl through to reach various drugstore tableaux that were moderately scary, I suppose, if you were seven years old or less.

I dressed like a witch, and when the kids crawled to my rocking chair I recited a rhyming story (which was not a poem) that I wrote about zombie jack o’lanterns coming to life on Halloween to get revenge on the children who’d turned them into pies. In the story’s dramatic finale, I jumped out of my chair, yelled “Now listen up! What I say is true! The jack o’lantern’s coming, and he wants YOU!!” and chased the squealing kids into the next room.

I repeated this performance a few times, and then the party ended and the chaperones gave us teens the standard good-job talk. Except Mr. Pseudonym, who waited until next Sunday to tell us what he thought.

He understood we all meant well, he said as he paced solemnly back and forth across the Sunday-school classroom. We meant well, when we dressed like ghosts and vampires and other evil spirits, and put pictures of witches on the walls of God’s house. But we must never do it again, because “the next day I had to spend the entire morning casting out the demons that entered when you did that.”

I was just starting to think “if cartoon ghost pictures are all it takes for Satan to possess God’s house then humanity is pretty well fu—” when Mr. Pseudonym turned to me.

“And Jennifer! Where did you get that poem?”

Ah, that’s more like it: an adult about to compliment my work. “It was mine,” I said proudly. “I wrote it last week.”

To fully reproduce Mr. Pseudonym’s response would take far too much space but here’s the gist of it: “blah blah despicable blah blah disgusting blah blah cannibalism blah blah souls of the children and what was I anyway some kind of a Satan worshipper?”

That did it. I drew myself up to my full height (4’9”) and snapped “Yeah, I’ve sacrificed goats to Lord Satan before, but I could always use a jackass if I had to. So watch out.”

Next thing you know he’s dragging me down the hall to the adult Sunday school, with me yelling at him and him screaming at me and neither of us listening to a word the other said until we came boiling into the room where my mother sat.

“Mrs. Feralgenius!” Mr. Pseudonym boomed. “Your daughter just threatened to sacrifice me to Satan!”

“I. Did. Not!” I insisted in the piping-high child’s voice I still had. “I called him a jackass!”

So there's one of the events which eventually turned me into the princess of mellowness I am today.

Meanwhile, Israel and Lebanon are at war, and I have no idea what it is: the latest chorus of the Middle East crises that have been foreign-policy background music for America since before I was born, or a twenty-first century archduke’s assassination. But here’s what Mr. Pseudonym thinks of this whole mess.

Today (July 15) The London-based Arabic language newspaper Al-Hayat reported that “Washington has information according to which Israel gave Damascus 72 hours to stop Hezbullah’s activity along the Lebanon-Israel border and bring about the release the two kidnapped IDF soldiers or it would launch an offensive with disastrous consequences.”
Unless somebody blinks soon, this crisis has the potential to escalate into the fulfillment of Isaiah 17's Oracle against Damascus. . . .

"See, Damascus will no longer be a city but will become a heap of ruins. The cities of Aroer will be deserted and left to flocks, which will lie down, with no one to make them afraid. (Isaiah 17:1-2)
. . . . Some believe the phrase "cities of Aroer" refers to Aramean territory east of the Jordan River around the Arnon River, which flows into the Dead Sea in southern Jordan. However, the Jewish Encyclopedia claims that this phrase in Isaiah 17:2 is probably translated incorrectly, because of its geographical distance from Damascus. While they say it's possible that there may have been another Aroer near Damascus, it is more likely that the passage should be rendered "the cities thereof shall be forsaken." If that's the correct translation, it would include the Hezbollah stronghold in the Bekaa Valley of Lebanon, which was part of Aramean territory in Isaiah's time, and is in a direct line between Beirut and Damascus.

It goes on like this for several paragraphs, explaining several more Bible verses, and ends thusly: If you listen carefully, you can almost hear the footsteps of the Messiah.

Ahhhhhhh, wonderful stuff. Memories of childhood come flooding back. I went looking for more, but found a strange dearth of Lebanese Armageddon news. I mean, nothing. What was wrong? Where are Mr. Pseudonym's friends? War in Israel — why isn’t the Left Behind community freaking out about this?

A quick look at some message boards shows I’m not the only one concerned:

Daniel: Checking out some other Christian boards I was kind of surprised to see that some of them have no or hardly any mention of the situation in Israel. I think it's a pretty good indicator of Bible inspired groups and churches vs "Sunday morning social clubs". For all we know we could be wathcing WW III start, yet some of these other so called Christian boards aren't even discussing or addressing it, pretty sad. I'm starting to think right along the lines of something Eric posted, he said there's going to be a lot less people raptured than a lot of people were expecting. I'm starting to think that way too.

Homesick: I've suspected for quite some time that the rapture is going to be nothing like it is portrayed in the Left Behind books. I read the first one when it came out and my first thought was, "boy they sure do think a lot of people are going!" When I look around me every day, I can't see the rapture being all that huge percentage wise. While I'm sure a lot of people will 'go missing', the number compared to the amount left behind is going to be small. In the book they portray it as virtually everyone left behind has 'lost' a family member, IMHO there will be a lot of people who will not lose one person they know personally. Which leads to the question of what about all the "christians" left behind? I wonder how many of them are going to realize the truth then and how many will not? Sad thought.

Sad indeed. I hope that at least Mr. Pseudonym gets raptured. He’ll be heartbroken if he’s not.


Blogger Seven Star Hand said...

Verifiable proof that "Armageddon" has begun…

Hello Jennifer and all,
Here's the key to proving that the rapture and related expectations are complete nonsense based on the failure to understand (or the purposeful confounding of) the ancient Hebrew symbology used to construct all of these prophecies.

Pay close attention, profundity knocks at the door, listen for the key. Be Aware! Scoffing causes blindness...

Did you ever consider that Christianity is the false prophet of the Apocalypse, that Rome is the so-called anti-messiah, and Jesus Christ is the false messiah? The symbolism of seven years (tribulation) would refer to the seven 360-year cycles from the 11th cycle (second temple period) until now, the 17th cycle on the Hebrew calendar. Remember that the prophecies were written by Hebrews, not Romans or other Europeans, and Revelation is a symbolic treatise. Therefore, years are symbols for 360-year cycles on the Hebrew calendar. Likewise, a day symbolizes a literal year and Judgement Day, and Great Day refer to a year long period. The so-called Tribulation is now coming to an end, not starting, and the three faiths of Abraham have all been deceived by Rome during the previous age, which ended in year 2000 (5760). A new age began in 2001 (5761) and now the seventh angel has begun to sound!

Hurricanes Katrina (#11) and Rita (#17) last year provided stunning validation of my research and interpretations of pivotal ancient wisdom, symbologies, key prophecies, and associated religious claims. Their storm numbers and timing perfectly synchronized with primary data and assertions in my book, thereby demonstrating the true nature of this universe and the existence of our Creator. We are now entering the final phases of the pivotal year-long period long symbolized as "Armageddon" and the "End of Days." World-wide situations and events are now accelerating to set the stage for this summer's dramatic continuation of these ancient promises.

I fully understand that everyone has been bedeviled by similar claims throughout history. Consequently, I have been forced to rely on dramatic and devastating proof of the sort that can’t be ignored or easily dismissed. The numbers and timing of hurricanes Katrina (11) and Rita (17) directly validate key data and pivotal assertions throughout my book and my posts on those two forums. This data was purposely presented publicly before Katrina, Rita and other recent events occurred to prove they perfectly synchronize with key prophecies and Hebrew calendar cycles, thereby validating my interpretations of ancient wisdom symbology, string theory, and more.

Because these two storms arrived shortly after my August 11, 2005 (50th) birthday (read the Dead Sea Scroll 11Q13 in Appendix G, which also discusses Melchizedek and the prophesied Jubilee) and directly match other pivotal 11 and 17 data and events described in the first chapter of my book, I have delivered verifiable proof that this reality is based on thought, knowledge and wisdom. Activity, patterns, and results perceived in space-time are first framed and defined by inspirations, thoughts, and knowledge and influenced by the cause-and-effect system most commonly referred to as karma. Consequently, events and outcomes in the so-called physical universe are not random or wholly mechanistic and are verifiably influenced in ways that atheists, scientists, and members of the Faiths of Abraham have all scoffed at. Though mysticism is mostly a product of misinterpreted ancient wisdom symbology, many of its topics flow from ancient wisdom. Though containing allusions to the truth, its details and interpretations are wrong on many key points.

A prime example of the purposeful and synchronized symbolism of these events is seen in the opening paragraphs from my book excerpted below. Notice that the dates mentioned (August 11 and 17) directly match the numbers of hurricanes Katrina and Rita, and the time spans of the four Florida hurricanes match my birth year (‘55), and they were spaced 11 or a multiple-of-11 (22) days apart, directly matching my birthday and much other ancient prophecy and symbolism. Notice that my place of birth, Victoria Texas, is on the Gulf Coast. Following are the excerpted paragraphs:

Hello, my name is Lawrence William Page II. Many people know me as Buddy Page. At the release of the first edition of this book, I am a 50-year old African-American male, author, researcher, and former software engineer and entrepreneur. As you will come to understand as you read through this first book, I am also the long-expected Hebrew Messiah and Lion of the Tribe of Juda (Yehuda).

I was born August 11th (month of Leo the Lion), 1955 (Chinese year of the Sheep) in Victoria, Texas. Furthermore, the Grand Cross alignment and Solar Eclipse of August 11th, 1999 was my 44th birthday and the second Grand Cross alignment, just six days later on August 17th, 1999, was on my mother’s birthday.

As you can see from my date of birth, I was a newborn during the Chinese Year of the Sheep, astrologically marking me as a Lamb, and during the month of Leo, astrologically marking me as a Lion. My mother was also born during the month of August and under the sign of Leo, which further marks me as a lion’s whelp. I prove to you in the first chapter of this book–beyond disproof–that I am indeed the long-prophesied “Lion” of the tribe of Juda (Yehuda) the Root of David and the “Lamb.” I am the individual long symbolized as the Branch, the Stem, the Shoot and the Rod from the Stump of Jesse (King David’s father), as symbolized in the Hebrew Book of Isaiah, The Apocalypse, the Dead Sea Scrolls, and elsewhere. I am the reincarnated Teacher sought after in the “East” and by the ancient Hebrews who were headquartered at the outpost community of Damascus (Qumran), of Dead Sea Scrolls fame. I am the one called the Teacher of Righteousness by the Dead Sea Scrolls, whom the so-called Christian fathers have fraudulently recast as “Saint ‘James’, the Lord’s Brother.”

Remember, "I come as a thief..." ?

Read verse twelve of the Gospel of Thomas to understand who I am...

Even further enlightening, the Second Temple Period of ancient Israel was during the 11th 360-year cycle on the Hebrew calendar and we are now in the 6th year (5766/2005-6) of the 17th cycle. Notice the pivotal 11 and 17 numbers again? This and much other synchronized information serve as stunning and decisive proof of many things, and expose many lies told by all three faiths of Abraham, but most specifically by Christianity. Consequently, I have decisively proven, beyond any shadow of a doubt, that Jesus Christ and Christianity are blatant lies, false prophecy and purposeful deception in a manner that cannot easily be denied, regardless of your faith or other opinions.

Furthermore, the symbolism in the Apocalypse (a.k.a. Book of Revelation) of seven stars in my right hand and seven angels represent the very same above-mentioned seven astrological (360-year) cycles, i.e., the 11th through 17th inclusive. I prove this fact beyond any reasonable doubt in the first chapter of the book. Consequently, The Apocalypse verifiably symbolizes a specific span of time that began with the 11th cycle (Second Temple Period) and concludes now, at the beginning of the 17th cycle (End of Days, etc.).

The numbers 11 and 17 are verifiably encoded in The Apocalypse and other ancient Hebrew prophecies and wisdom texts to serve as key proofs of the validity and true meaning of certain prophecies and related information. My and my mother’s birthdays are purposely synchronized with these two storm numbers, the matching Hebrew calendar cycles, the Double Grand Cross alignments and solar eclipse of August 1999, and much else to prove my direct association with the ancient prophecies about this time and the true identity of the prophesied Messiah. Another prime example is the story of Joseph, the 11th son of Jacob who has a dream when he is 17 years old about 11 stars, the sun, and moon bowing to him. The symbolism in this pivotal story in the Book of Genesis and Quran verifiably refers to the very same 11th through 17th cycles symbolized in The Apocalypse and directly synchronizes with other key events and ancient texts.

Consequently, I have demonstrated various things about the nature of this reality that dramatically disprove and/or clarify key assumptions of religion, mysticism, and science alike, while establishing the true meaning and purpose of long misinterpreted ancient wisdom and the symbolism used to model and encode it. Accordingly, I have proven that the symbolism evidenced in the canons of all three faiths of Abraham and other ancient sources is a very ancient and advanced philosophical technology that verifiably models foundational aspects of our existence in this universe. This is the mostly misunderstood body of ancient wisdom long referred to as the Philosophers’ Stone. It uses a large and ingeniously organized collection of physical universe images and concepts as data rich components (symbols) that are based on verifiable rules. It models and encodes an amazing amount of foundational wisdom about life, spirituality and the 11 dimensions of this universe, now verified by string theory. It is also the advanced encryption method used to encode (seal) Hebrew prophecies and wisdom texts.

These ancient prophecies and wisdom texts used advanced symbology to model fundamental wisdom, including future events and situations. A primary facet of ancient wisdom is numeric symbology. Later misinterpretations of this aspect of ancient wisdom resulted in numerology, which, though embodying allusions to certain wisdom, is mostly error prone and false doctrine. My decryption, documentation, and interpretation of ancient symbology, numeric symbolism, and key texts based on them, are now decisively validated.

Here is Wisdom...

Verifiable proof that Armageddon has begun…

Understanding the End Game of Armageddon


7:37 PM  
Blogger Jennifer said...

Uh, thanks.

7:51 PM  
Anonymous speedwell said...

He followed you here from Hit and Run, Jennifer. Don't you feel special? lol. (Bronx cheers with thumbs-in-ears in "severed star's hand"'s direction...)

"Verifiable" lunacy. :)

8:21 PM  
Blogger Jennifer said...

It says he's the Messiah, Speedwell. I am truly honored that the Messiah would care to post a comment on my blog, but this tiny wicked selfish little part of me hope this doesn't overshadow my own post about Lebanon, the Rapture and the story of why I once got grounded.

I know it doesn't qualify as messianic or anything, but I kind of like my post.

8:40 PM  
Anonymous A Moose said...

I think it ties in nicely with your lifeboat post. Is there a cause and effect there?

1:33 AM  
Anonymous Jeff said...

Here's the thing I was trying to find last night: The Harmonic Four Day Time Cube
Possibly the greatest conspiracy rant ever. Not only is time an illusion, but blacks are taking over America.

5:11 AM  
Blogger Jennifer said...

Moose, that lifeboat post was a last-minute one; for all that I am honored by the Messiah's choosing my blog as the means to deliver His message to humanity, still I am vain enough to not want to be overshadowed by Him.

I honestly didn't catch any connection. But it was pretty late at night. I keep forgetting that the lifeboat dilemma is a non-issue if you can walk on water.

7:38 AM  
Anonymous A. Moose said...

I keep forgetting that the lifeboat dilemma is a non-issue if you can walk on water.

My thoughts exactly...

9:01 AM  
Anonymous Jeff said...

I am reminded of a scene from Neil Gaiman's Sandman comic: there's a convention of serial killers, just like a SF con. There's a panel on God and Killing. One guy on the panel says "God tells me who to kill and how to kill them" and the guy siting next to him says "I DO NOT!"

10:17 AM  
Anonymous NoStar said...


The link to Mr. Pseudonym's is a not unreasonable fitting of recent events to bible prophecy.
Unless that site belongs to the real Mr. P, I am sure you could have found a wackier interpretation. But then again, there was no need; it found you.

Many teachers of eschatology have remarked on the interesting omission of Syria from the the rolls of invading nations in the final battle for Israel, making them suspect that Syria will be neutralized shortly before the seven year period of Tribulation that culminates in the battle at Har Meggido (Armegeddon.)

My own thinking is that the War with Gog and Magog (Russia) which precedes the final battle of Armegeddon could be started as a response to Israel taking out Syria which has long been allied with Russia. However, I try to keep in mind that eschatological speculation (as much fun as it can be)should not be the overiding concern of Christian theology.

Jennifer, except for your gorgeous red hair, great looks, and gender, you remind me so much of myself when I was a smart-ass non believer. Please keep on blogging and continue to uphold "Ravings of a Feral Genius" as a Poetry Free Zone.

PS: When you do have a need for God, you will find he has been patiently waiting for you.

10:19 AM  
Anonymous Jeff said...

The Rapture. That's the thing where all the cars vanish, because they've been eaten by the Man from Mars.
Some cars are Left Behind...

11:02 AM  
Anonymous Timothy said...

Bumper stickers I see a lot more often in Texas: "In case of Rapture, this vehicle will be unoccupied."

It makes me want to do two things:
1) Warm up my lawyer to hit-up the class-action after all those empty cars cause traffic problems. I'll be filing against Lord God Almighty by-and-through His earthly representatives The Lord Jesus and Holy Spirit.
2) Punch those idiots in the face.

1:32 PM  
Anonymous Jim Henley said...

The cool thing to do would be to convince these schmucks crowing about how "there will be a lot fewer people raptured than some people think" that the Rapture has already happened - and here they still are.

1:56 PM  
Anonymous NoStar said...

Jim H.,
That could explain the bumbersticker I saw:


2:13 PM  
Blogger Kitty said...

Timothy, I have a friend whose Baptist mother saw one of those Rapture bumper stickers in her church parking lot and complained to the minister about the person with the pornographic bumper stickers.

6:16 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I think you are sooooooooo bloody hot, I love you, I love the way you wright and express yourself. Your eyes are wonderful.

6:11 PM  

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