G.O.Peshizzle In Da House Toot Sweet, Yo

Deep in my heart of hearts I hope this website I’m going to tell you about is a joke (it's real): Vote our Values, sponsored by “America’s PAC,” which has a collection of 24 ads currently running on urban radio stations in an attempt to win black votes for the Republicans. If nothing else, it’s a fascinating sociological study into what kind of music rich old white guys think modern urban blacks listen to.

Vote our Values is one of those damnable Flash sites, so I can’t link directly to the page with the radio ads on it. Click on “Listen to the Ads,” and you’ll find them on the left side of the page, while the “Advertisment (sic) Script” appears on the right.

My favorite ad, “Hazardous Dukes,” compares Iraq War opponents to the KKK:

. . . I enlisted in the all-volunteer army to fight the war against terror. Last summer, David Duke visited Damascus, Syria, where he praised the government that’s been smuggling bombs to the terrorists in Iraq. A couple months later, my unit was in Baghdad, where we protected first-time Iraqi voters.

Now, I can understand why a Ku Klux Klan cracker makes nice with the terrorists. They fight voting rights in Iraq, just like he does at home. But what I want to know is why so many of the Democrat politicians I helped elect are on the same side of the Iraq war as David Duke.

Meanwhile, underneath the voiceover is strange downtone violin music with a banjo playing beneath that. The “Wire Taps” piece, by contrast, features the cheery faux hip-hop music you hear on Nickelodeon shows teaching children the alphabet. Meanwhile, the wise man in the voiceover tells us that it’s stupid to oppose warrantless wiretapping because

Did you know that Presidents Kennedy and Johnson wiretapped Martin Luther King? Those Democrats treated the leader of our civil rights movement as a subversive . . . unlike the Al Qaeda butchers Bush is wiretapping, Martin was fighting to promote voting rights. He wasn’t plotting mass murder.

You’ll also want to check out “Don’t Go There,” and wonder why the writers didn’t take their own advice. A wise black man — war veteran, hard worker, and devoted father — is explaining to an irresponsible white man why the white guy shouldn’t vote Republican, since he’s just an unemployed loser who cheats on his wife and would never fight to defend his country. Also:

WISE BLACK GUY: and if you make a little mistake with one of your hos, you’ll want to dispose of the problem toot sweet, no questions asked, right?

WHITE SCUMBAG: Naw, that’s too cold. I don’t snuff my own seed.

WISE BLACK GUY: Huh. Really? (Pause) Well, maybe you do have a reason to vote Republican.

Yes, even a loser should vote Republican so that if he knock up one of his hos she won’t be allowed to snuff out his seed. The loser won’t be able to support his seed, of course, but the important thing is that the ho can’t snuff it out.