Saturday, December 20, 2008

Happy Holidays, Jackasses

It’s that time of year when the world falls in love, according to a certain Christmas carol that shall remain nameless because it is a liar but I’m feeling too mellow to play nasty j’accuse games these days, what with the holiday and all.

Truth is, it’s that time of year when the world gets annoyed, no matter what you say. “Merry Christmas” offends those who don’t celebrate that particular holiday, “Happy Holidays” offends those who do, and ignoring the matter altogether offends people who think you’re a Jehovah’s Witness.

That’s why, for this year’s holiday column I didn’t even try being polite:
Happy Holidays! If you’re naïve, you read that and thought, “How nice. The writer’s expressing a goodwill message to all of her readers who celebrate various religious or secular winter-themed festivals this time of year.”

Which is ridiculous. When you see “Happy holidays” in December, the sane and savvy default interpretation is, “That’s a deliberate slap in the face of every good American who celebrates Christmas.”
I also offer suggestions on how my Jewish compatriots can make their holiday more popular with the masses:
The problem with Hanukkah is that the whole “eight days of lamplight” thing stopped being impressive once humanity discovered electricity. Nobody cares about lamp oil anymore. The holiday would hold more appeal for modern Americans if it switched focus so that a day’s worth of gasoline lasted over a week. And the menorahs and dreidels could be decked out with festive strings of colored light bulbs shaped like little gas stations.
Bet I could make a fortune in marketing if I weren’t burdened by a soul.


Blogger J sub D said...

A very happy ________________ [check all that apply] to you Jennifer.

☐ Christmas
☐ Hanukkah
☐ Kwanza
☐ Saturnalia
☐ Winter Solstice
☐ Generic Holiday
☐ Other

8:32 AM  
Anonymous A Moose said...

Not to be picky, but isn't Kwanzaa spelled in the typical "Let's intentionally misspell stuff so it looks cool" kind of way with two A's?

I feel the need to make up a racist holiday with some made up words myself just for the hell of it, hijack religion's symbols such as a candelabra, and scream about it when someone objects. Should be loads of fun.

Oh, wait, that's been done? Sorry, never mind.

3:36 PM  
Blogger Jennifer said...

Eh, all holidays were new once upon a time. I don't care who celebrates what; I just get annoyed when a person celebrating Holiday A takes mortal offense at reminders that someone else is celebrating Holiday B.

I'm sure that when Christmas first became a bona fide celebration there were Romans who took offense at how the holiday was hijacking the Saturnalia festival.

11:41 AM  
Anonymous smartass sob said...

I'm sure that when Christmas first became a bona fide celebration there were Romans who took offense at how the holiday was hijacking the Saturnalia festival.

I get your point, but if I remember my history correctly, by the time the Catholic church turned the Saturnalia into Christmas the Roman Empire was already officially Christian and had been so for many years.

7:27 PM  
Anonymous smartass sob said...

Merry Christmas, by the way - from a distinctly non-Christian smartass sob. ;-)

7:30 PM  
Anonymous ed said...

I say "Happy Holidays" when I know for a fact that it will offend an offensive and militant Christian, most especially one who watches Bill O'Reilly. I say "Merry Christmas" when I'm being polite and I know for a fact that the recipient may be a Christian, but only a semi-retarded one, e.g. one who pays lip service to his creator but never bothers to visit his house, let alone contribute to the pass-around plate. And to the vast army of illiterate toilers I merely say: "Have a good one." They seem to like that.

7:55 AM  

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