Happy Holidays, Jackasses
Truth is, it’s that time of year when the world gets annoyed, no matter what you say. “Merry Christmas” offends those who don’t celebrate that particular holiday, “Happy Holidays” offends those who do, and ignoring the matter altogether offends people who think you’re a Jehovah’s Witness.
That’s why, for this year’s holiday column I didn’t even try being polite:
Happy Holidays! If you’re naïve, you read that and thought, “How nice. The writer’s expressing a goodwill message to all of her readers who celebrate various religious or secular winter-themed festivals this time of year.”I also offer suggestions on how my Jewish compatriots can make their holiday more popular with the masses:
Which is ridiculous. When you see “Happy holidays” in December, the sane and savvy default interpretation is, “That’s a deliberate slap in the face of every good American who celebrates Christmas.”
The problem with Hanukkah is that the whole “eight days of lamplight” thing stopped being impressive once humanity discovered electricity. Nobody cares about lamp oil anymore. The holiday would hold more appeal for modern Americans if it switched focus so that a day’s worth of gasoline lasted over a week. And the menorahs and dreidels could be decked out with festive strings of colored light bulbs shaped like little gas stations.Bet I could make a fortune in marketing if I weren’t burdened by a soul.