Wednesday, October 21, 2009

Flushing My Career Down The Toilet (if I’m lucky)

I don’t want to know the search terms my friend used to find this help-wanted link he sent me today:
Open Casting Call: Charmin Ambassadors

Do you enjoy going to the bathroom enough to earn $10,000?

Charmin is conducting a national search to find five super-fun, enthusiastic people to work at the Charmin Restrooms in Times Square this holiday season!

The Charmin Ambassadors will greet, entertain, and blog about their experience. All candidates must really, really enjoy going to the bathroom.
I have at times been really, really desperate to go to the bathroom, but that’s not quite the same thing. And “relief” is an emotion quite distinct from “joy.” That said, the reason I’ve never truly “enjoyed” going to the bathroom is because no one ever paid me ten grand to do it.

[Before I go any further, I must comply with the new FCC rules concerning bloggers, who are now required to disclose any material benefit they get from a company they blog about, and admit to being a beneficiary of Charmin corporation largesse, by which I mean I used their Charmin Restroom Pavilion they had a few years ago at the Big E, New England’s annual multi-state fair.]

Anyway, Charmin executives: if you’re looking for a friendly, outgoing, talented writer who really, really enjoys going to the bathroom for ten thousand dollars, rejoice! for you have found her.

Ordinarily, when applying for a writing job, this is the part where I’d link to pieces from my clip file. However, none of my clips adequately express the concept “This person really, really enjoys going to the bathroom.”

Since I can’t show you any of my published works I’ll have to improvise. Despite my lack of bathroom clips I have several notable bathroom memories, so if nothing blog-worthy happens in Times Square I can always blog about bathrooms past.

Please note how excellently my tone conveys the concept “The combination of this woman’s writing style and her wacky bathroom hijinx is sure to entertain customers and compel them to buy lots of Charmin products.”

Excretory Adventures through the Ages

The College Years:

Last night, to celebrate the end of finals, [names redacted] and I got verra verra stoned and at one point I ate an entire box of Froot Loops. This morning, I pooped a shade of green not found in nature. Maybe my digestive system can’t handle a whole box of whatever the hell artificial coloring they use, but Charmin Ultra-Strong™ can!

[To comply with FCC requirements I should mention how, along with the Froot Loops, I got a free plastic cereal spoon that changes color when you dunk it in milk.]

So what do you think, Charmin execs? If you’re not yet convinced I’d be perfect for the job, then consider this: due to a childhood camping accident I have almost no sense of smell, which means if I spent New Year’s Eve in a Times Square public restroom, my differently-abled self would find it much easier than the normally-nosed to sincerely say “I really, really enjoy going to the bathroom.”


Blogger Taktix® said...

That's just... amazing.

Where can I sign up for enema testing?

6:29 AM  
Blogger Jennifer said...

Pfft. Enema testings are easy, Taktix; it's finding someone will to pay you ten grand for it that's a challenge.

6:59 AM  
Blogger The Captain said...

Perhaps mentioning that you have frequently dated turds (present bf excluded of course) would impress the Charmin execs that you have what it takes to enjoy the restroom experience.

Cap'n NoStar

7:45 AM  
Anonymous smartass sob said...

You know, ever since I first saw this post last evening I have struggled to come up with some sort of clever comment, but no matter how hard I have strained or bore down on the matter, I just can't managed to squeeze out anything. And the effort has left me altogether pooped and dis-commoded. I am sure my face is quite flushed. BTW, my compliments on writing such a charmin post. :-)

8:23 AM  
Anonymous smartass sob said...

The effort didn't help my proof reading ability either.

8:28 AM  
Blogger The Captain said...

You could dredge up your worst writing efforts (you know, the pieces you wouldn't ordinarily want any one to see) and prove that you can produce crappy writing that should be flushed.

9:13 AM  
Blogger rhhardin said...

Whoever it was that replaced Manuela Holterhoff at the WSJ did a nice review of NYC's new streetside public restrooms therein.

A bouncy and enthusiastic girl.

She also had a review of the new Volkswagen, when they started building them again.

That's all I remember about it.

Alternative to finding her works and imitating them, possibly you could apply as a restroom reviewer at the WSJ.

Mention your admiration for whoever it was.

2:12 PM  
Blogger rhhardin said...

PS, she meant to emulate Holtehoff's popular review of Disney World in style. Normally Holterhoff wrote opera reviews but turned out to have talent in amusing essays.

2:14 PM  
Blogger Jennifer said...

True fact: I recently decided that, for health reasons, I really ought to get in the habit of eating vegetables more than once or twice a month, so I've been on a salad kick of late and all week have averaged one or two salads a day (drenched with dressing and lots of crumbled cheese).

I am not going to point out why this occurs to me on a post about bathroom visits. I'm just sayin'.

5:22 PM  

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