Flushing My Career Down The Toilet (if I’m lucky)
Open Casting Call: Charmin AmbassadorsI have at times been really, really desperate to go to the bathroom, but that’s not quite the same thing. And “relief” is an emotion quite distinct from “joy.” That said, the reason I’ve never truly “enjoyed” going to the bathroom is because no one ever paid me ten grand to do it.
Do you enjoy going to the bathroom enough to earn $10,000?
Charmin is conducting a national search to find five super-fun, enthusiastic people to work at the Charmin Restrooms in Times Square this holiday season!
The Charmin Ambassadors will greet, entertain, and blog about their experience. All candidates must really, really enjoy going to the bathroom.
[Before I go any further, I must comply with the new FCC rules concerning bloggers, who are now required to disclose any material benefit they get from a company they blog about, and admit to being a beneficiary of Charmin corporation largesse, by which I mean I used their Charmin Restroom Pavilion they had a few years ago at the Big E, New England’s annual multi-state fair.]
Anyway, Charmin executives: if you’re looking for a friendly, outgoing, talented writer who really, really enjoys going to the bathroom for ten thousand dollars, rejoice! for you have found her.
Ordinarily, when applying for a writing job, this is the part where I’d link to pieces from my clip file. However, none of my clips adequately express the concept “This person really, really enjoys going to the bathroom.”
Since I can’t show you any of my published works I’ll have to improvise. Despite my lack of bathroom clips I have several notable bathroom memories, so if nothing blog-worthy happens in Times Square I can always blog about bathrooms past.
Please note how excellently my tone conveys the concept “The combination of this woman’s writing style and her wacky bathroom hijinx is sure to entertain customers and compel them to buy lots of Charmin products.”
JENNIFER’S BATHROOM BLOG
Excretory Adventures through the Ages
The College Years:
Last night, to celebrate the end of finals, [names redacted] and I got verra verra stoned and at one point I ate an entire box of Froot Loops. This morning, I pooped a shade of green not found in nature. Maybe my digestive system can’t handle a whole box of whatever the hell artificial coloring they use, but Charmin Ultra-Strong™ can!
[To comply with FCC requirements I should mention how, along with the Froot Loops, I got a free plastic cereal spoon that changes color when you dunk it in milk.]
So what do you think, Charmin execs? If you’re not yet convinced I’d be perfect for the job, then consider this: due to a childhood camping accident I have almost no sense of smell, which means if I spent New Year’s Eve in a Times Square public restroom, my differently-abled self would find it much easier than the normally-nosed to sincerely say “I really, really enjoy going to the bathroom.”