The Republican National Convention, Explained

So ... I was offline for a few days, dealing with various moving-related tasks (plus waiting for various utilities to come on in my new apartment), and during that time, I'm pretty sure someone hacked into my computer and replaced my real internet with an Onion-inspired fake news one. That has to be what happened, right? Because even my generally misanthropic self can't believe last night's RNC dumpster fire was a real American major-party political convention.

Nice work, hackers! You almost had me going there for awhile. Granted, fooling someone as exhausted as I was is kind of a low bar to pass, but even so....