Important Cultural Issue: What Do Middle-Aged White People Think of Lil Nas X?

Between my age and my “whiter than mayo on Wonderbread” status, it's a safe bet I'd never have heard of, let alone watched, Lil Nas X's latest video if not for the conservative freakout over it. If you haven't seen it, here's what happens: it starts with Nas in the Garden of Eden, innocently playing a [very catchy] song when suddenly, Satan/the Serpent shows up, leading directly to the first time in human history that a gay man had gay sex. Nas climbs on a stripper pole and does some genuinely impressive routines while riding the pole all the way down to hell.

I don't fully understand why conservatives are so opposed to such a perfect encapsulation of what they call “wholesome family values” – gays are of the devil, they are all damned, and the highway to hell is lined with stripper poles – but honesty compels me to admit: Nas worked that pole far better than I could at his age, and I'm only slightly mollified by the thought “Yeah, well, when I was his age I didn't have a six-figure choreography budget and another six figures' worth of CGI enhancement, either.”