Wednesday, December 20, 2006

And I Thought Smurf Jones Was Bad

I’m sure you’ve heard already that the Libertarian Party has given a leadership position to Bob Barr, drug warrior extraordinaire who pays lip service to the cause of liberty yet believes Granny should go to jail if she smokes a joint to make her chemotherapy-induced nausea go away. There are two reasons a libertarian should oppose the war on drugs: it's a perfidious assault on personal freedom and an enormous waste of money. Barr fails on both counts.

Fun fact about human biology: often, when a person is dying but not yet dead, the muscles of the anus and rectum will go completely slack and any fecal matter inside the intestines of the soon-to-be-corpse makes its way out to freedom.

I suspect Barr’s appointment is merely the pants-shitting phase of the Libertarian Party’s death throes. But "appoint Bob Barr" would be a marvelous euphemism for the process of expelling solid waste from the body, don't you think? "I just ate three pounds of fermented cabbage and refried beans. Please give me a match so I can light it after I appoint Bob Barr."

7 Comments:

Anonymous Anonymous said...

Pshaw. This would've bothered me when I thought the system could reform itself. Now? It's no surprise, no shock. Just more evidence.

However, I think you need to really push this "appoint Bob Barr" euphemism. I laughed out loud when I read it, and I plan to use it as much as possible (which will get a baffled look from most people I talk to - "moderate" drones all).

Good stuff.

5:16 AM  
Blogger Jennifer said...

Some guy crossed the yellow line on the road and almost hit me today. I was so scared, I nearly appointed Bob Barr in my pants.

5:47 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

And yet there are libertarians who support minimum wage laws. Should we call them names, too?

3:41 PM  
Blogger Jennifer said...

Anonymous, are you seriously trying to equate support for a minimum wage with support for the idea that people who smoke the wrong kind of cigarette deserve to be imprisoned for upwards of 20 years?

4:01 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

No, I'm seriously pointing out that calling people names when they disagree with you is something most people object to, albeit the objection tends to occur when others do it.

It's the name calling, not the position.

You appear to believe that if someone's position is bad enough that a long-winded rephrasing of "shit the bed" becomes witty, powerful or otherwise worth repeating.

8:27 AM  
Blogger Jennifer said...

So, Anonymous, you believe the world would be a better place if nobody ever cracked a naughty joke about issues that enrage them? Well, we'll simply have to "agree to disagree" here. Some people thought my post was funny; others find it offensive. Same holds true for most posts I've made here. I'm sorry that you fall into the latter group, but since that's the case, chances are you're not in my target audience anyway.

By the way, I'd never heard of "shit the bed" as a death euphemism before.

8:34 AM  
Anonymous smartass sob said...

"often, when a person is dying but not yet dead, the muscles of the anus and rectum will go completely slack and any fecal matter inside the intestines of the soon-to-be-corpse makes its way out to freedom."

I've voted Libertarian since the founding of the party, but I suspect that's about the only freedom its efforts will ever bring about.

As far as calling libertarians who support drug laws OR minimum-wage laws "names"...well I don't know whether we should be calling them names, but maybe we shouldn't be calling them libertarians either.

And given the above fact concerning the final physiological phenomena of biological death, I must say there's going to be a bunch of rich, uptight republican types that are gonna be heartbroken that they can't take even THAT with them when they go.

11:52 PM  

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