Monday, February 04, 2008

Shocking Changes

I had an utterly miserable day at work, because I got a painful, nasty shock whenever I touched the newsroom doorknob or any other metal object. A naive person might blame static electricity but I know better: the office building where my left-wing paper is produced just knows I'm a registered Republican these days, and thus reacts to my presence the same way a church's hallowed ground is reputed to react to a vampire. It burns. It burns.

I can switch back after the primary tomorrow. In sixteen hours or less I should be back to normal.

And if I weren't already committed to "Feral Genius" I'd change my online nickname to Thunder Child, fighting a fight I know I'll never win.


Anonymous NoStar - Thunder Child said...

Thunder Child.

That is the same nickname I was thinking of changing to after eating those all those Wasabi Peas at yesterday's SuperBowl Party.

3:47 PM  
Anonymous smartass sob said...

I had an utterly miserable day at work, because I got a painful, nasty shock whenever I touched the newsroom doorknob or any other metal object.

What! Do you mean to say that I am not the only one this happens to? (And I had been thinking I was so special.) I know just exactly of what you write, because I go through the same thing every year about this time - or whenever the weather is cold and dry. I'll slide out of a car seat, reach to shut the door, and zap! Or I can sit down and put my shoes on, walk six paces across the room to open the front door and crack - blue fire an inch long from my fingertips! Once I made the mistake of petting the cat and then reaching for the dog - poor dog.

Lest any of you think that this is funny let me hasten to relieve you of your misapprehension. A static shock can be quite painful ie., it hurts, damn it - all the more so, because it usually catches one by surprise. Only with great difficulty do I refrain from putting my fist through the door sometimes; I'm certain that the neighbors having heard me loudly exclaim "goddamn it, motherfucker" several times are thoroughly convinced that I'm a violent, abusive person. They don't know I speaking to a door.

I have taken to going barefoot around the house and/or licking my fingers before reaching for a door knob - that seems to help. When shutting a car door I use my knee or an elbow - occasionally a foot.

So when I referred to you as "The Coppertop" I was closer to the truth than I knew, huh? I don't really know how to explain this strange affinity for electricity - perhaps it only occurs among really intelligent people like feral geniuses and smartasses. But rather than thinking of it as a curse, my dear, consider it a blessing. You - we - are endowed with a power and an ability beyond the ken of mortal men. It is a power that could do enormous harm, but which can be used for enormous good. Just imagine what a torment and deserved irritation you could be to leftists (and righties.) So shuffle your feet across the carpet, Thunder Child, and then reach out and touch someone - literally. :-)

5:03 PM  
Anonymous smartass sob said...

fighting a fight I know I'll never win.

What fight might that be?

BTW, you should be glad that you can vote in a Super Tuesday primary. In my state I can vote in either primary but not both; I don't have to change my registration, because that only lasts for a year as I understand it. The unfortunate thing is that even though I will vote for Ron Paul in the Republican primary, it won't matter much, because Texas doesn't hold primaries until March. I should imagine the nominations will pretty much be already decided by then. My vote won't even amount to a protest vote. (And I have never voted either Republican or Democrat in my entire voting life.)

7:23 PM  
Blogger Jennifer said...

The fight to get Ron Paul on the ballot. Or, if you want to take a gloomier, more long-tern view, the fight to at least halt, if not roll back, the creeping authoritarianism and lack of freedom that's corroding our once-great country.

Bah. Who am I kidding? Most Americans don't even want to be free; they want to be taken care of. They want Big Daddy Government to protect them from neighbors whose houses are painted icky colors, and tell them what they can and cannot eat and what substances they can and cannot put in their bodies, and who they should associate with and how their children should be educated and whether they can operate a business. . . freedom is just too damned exhausting.

7:30 PM  
Anonymous smartass sob said...

freedom is just too damned exhausting.

For most it is too damned risky. People seem to want a risk-free and effortless existence. They want a sure-thing, but they want someone else to pay for it. And, of course, they want freedom - for themselves, that is - but not for anyone else who mightn't agree with them.

I've been voting since 1972 and I've been interested in politics, etc. since 1968. In many ways things have gotten worse in that time, but in other ways things are better. For one we have the Internet now to educate and inform people, and generally it is impossible to censor it; that gives me some hope.

I voted for the first Libertarian Party candidate way back when Tricky Dick Nixon ran the second time. But even back then I realized that politics doesn't really change a country all that much. One must change the culture. Politics or government is only the effect and culture is the cause. I think people truly do get the government they deserve - or at least, the one they seem to want. Keep fighting the good fight, Thunder Child.

7:58 PM  
Blogger Windypundit said...

Smartass, I hear you. It's like the Chinese water torture: After the first few hundred times, it starts getting on your nerves.

There's no easy way to stop the spark from happening, but you can keep it from hurting. The key is to hold something conductive in your hand and let it take the spark first.

I used to have an office at the end of a carpeted hall, and every single time I touched the doorknob I'd get a shock. I took to grabbing a key or coin from my pocket and touching it to the knob before grabbing it.

9:31 PM  
Anonymous A Moose said...

I took to grabbing a key or coin from my pocket and touching it to the knob before grabbing it.

There is always the option of conductive footwear.

2:37 AM  
Anonymous Stevo Darkly said...

Ah, the dry, staticky days of winter.

This is my daily routine, for the past month or two, when I come home at night:

1) Walk from car to apartment building.

2) Unlock mailbox to get mail. Marvel at the little blue spark in the dark when my key hits the lock.

3) Go upstairs to apartment.

4) Unlock door. Marvel at the little blue spark in the dark when my key hits the lock.

5) Go inside. Kick off shoes. Walk toward bedroom (so I can empty pockets on dresser).

6) Turn on lamp in bedroom. Say, "Ouch, shit!" at the CRACK! noise when I touch the lamp. Sumbitch.

10:49 PM  
Anonymous smartass sob said...

little blue spark in the dark

That would make a great online handle! Might have to steal it sometime. :-)

1:36 AM  
Blogger rhhardin said...

Touch everything first with a key. Your hair may jump a little but you don't feel the actual shock.

If you want to do away with even the hair jump, touch things with the point of a pin. Pins discharge you slowly starting when you're still well away from the object.

2:53 AM  

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