Gimme A Cabinet Position

The other day I interviewed for a job I’m not likely to get because my experience doesn’t quite dovetail with what they’re looking for. So I drove home thinking, “Damn. Two college degrees, lots of experience and an impressive clip file … what the hell does it take to land a decent job these days?” Then I read this article in the New York Times and figured it out. “Of course! That’s what I’m missing: connections. If I’d had the foresight to become high-school buddies with a politician I wouldn’t be stuck in this career rut today.”

Gov. Sarah Palin lives by the maxim that all politics is local, not to mention personal.

So when there was a vacancy at the top of the State Division of Agriculture, she appointed a high school classmate, Franci Havemeister, to the $95,000-a-year directorship. A former real estate agent, Ms. Havemeister cited her childhood love of cows as a qualification for running the roughly $2 million agency.

Ms. Havemeister was one of at least five schoolmates Ms. Palin hired, often at salaries far exceeding their private sector wages.

With the presidential cabinet due to be restocked in a few months, I’d like to take this opportunity to point out that I too love cows. Indeed, many of my friends and former colleagues are cows (assuming they haven’t lost weight since last I saw them). And though I don’t technically belong to Palin’s buddy clique I did send a “friends” request to her daughter’s babydaddy on MySpace. If he accepts it and Palin makes it to the White House, I hope she’ll consider me “one of the gals” and thus worthy of a job leading the USDA.

Unless that position’s been reserved for Ms. Havemeister, in which case I’d like to point out my qualifications to lead other government agencies:

The Department of Energy

I love energy and am proficient in the use of several types: electricity, gasoline, even candles. I’ve also pioneered the adoption of renewable technologies: back in junior high I did that thing where you use a potato to power a digital clock, and today I own several solar calculators and no-battery shake-em-up Faraday flashlights. Also: my late father, a Disabled Veteran, spent most of his Navy career working in nuclear-sub power plants, so I grew up with a respectful understanding of the hazards and potential of nuclear power. I also know how to pronounce “nuclear” (no vowel between the “c” and the “l”).

The Department of the Interior, or maybe the Environmental Protection Agency

I love interior environments, and have visited several of America’s national parks.

The Department of Homeland Security

I love secure homelands. I also love disaster porn, which means I know how to protect the country in case of emergencies. For example: if there’s a hurricane, I’ll tell my fellow Americans to evacuate coastal areas and avoid substandard levees. If there’s a terrorist attack, I’ll tell them to buy duct tape. And if the Yellowstone supervolcano erupts on my watch, I’ll evacuate everybody in America to safe locations outside the ashfall zone (i.e., somewhere east of the Mississippi), and stockpile enough food to feed the country’s population during the resulting ten-year volcanic winter.

The Department of Health and Human Services

I love healthy people, and have ample experience in various human-service endeavors. I’ve even worked on a phone sex line, which is service indeed and suggests I’d be fun to have a beer with, which is a very important trait to consider when choosing your leaders.

The Department of Veterans Affairs

I love veterans, and have already mentioned that my father was one. So was my grandfather, who single-handedly (as he told it) defeated the Nazis in World War Two. If it weren’t for my family you’d all be speaking German right now.

The Department of Education

I love education. My entire educational history took place in public schools; I’ve been both a student and a teacher, giving me firsthand perspective from both sides of the desk when regarding the problems and challenges facing today’s educational – no. Never mind. Where education policy is concerned, I have actual professional experience directly relevant to the issues, which is obviously not what employers are looking for when they hire people for high-paid government gigs.

Besides, I don’t really want to work in education again. Best to focus my energies on jobs I actually desire; if I can’t land another gig like Snarky Staff Writer I’ll gladly settle for something along the lines of Head of the Department of Homeland Security. And I’m not averse to honest competition for the job, either. If you think you’re better qualified than I am for any of these lucrative government positions, feel free to explain why in the comments.