Monday, September 22, 2008

Lovely Spam, Wonderful Spam

For my birthday last week I received the gift of spam. Lots and lots of spam. My e-mail address somehow wound up on one of the seedier servers of the Web, so for the past week I’ve been inundated with offers to meet sexy singles, purchase herbal supplements promising to increase the size of my non-existent “man tool” (exact quote), or earn commissions by helping Nigerian oil ministers transfer wealth off their home continent.

Most of the offers are penny ante scams: thirty bucks to register with the singles service, or fifty for a two-month supply of phallic-promise sugar pills. Dr. Dagogo’s oil-royalties scheme could in theory suck my bank account completely dry, but even then my losses would be limited to what I have right now; he can’t make a legal claim to any of my future earnings.

So if I lost all my IQ points tomorrow and said “yes” to every one of those unsolicited e-mail offers, it would still cost me less than what the government expects my taxpaying self to pay on its bailout plans for Wall Street and the mortgage industry. Which is why, come November, I’ll be writing in a vote for “that guy in Africa who keeps offering to sell me V!agra without a prescription,” because he can’t possibly trash the country worse than our current crop of elected officials is already doing.

Meanwhile, here’s a collection of spam recipes. Eat hearty. High-sodium chemically preserved pig byproducts may not be the healthiest diet in the world, but it’s still better than what the government’s feeding us.


Anonymous smartass sob said...

Just sent you an email - hope it didn't up in your bulk folder. Given the subject of your post here you can plainly see why I was being so obscure in my comments in your previous post. I'm not particularly desirous of leaving my address all over the net, either. Like you, I get lots of those "special offers," too.

6:27 PM  
Blogger Jennifer said...

I got your e-mail and sent a response. Hope you find it before power loss forces you back offline!

6:29 PM  
Anonymous Thoreau said...

De@r Jenn!fer,

As per our previous discussion, I write to inform you of a new opportunity to profit from the current US financial crisis.

Sincerest regards,

Thoreau's Nigerian doppelganger

7:07 PM  
Anonymous A Moose said...

because he can’t possibly trash the country worse than our current crop of elected officials is already doing.

Need to add "crop of elected officials or nominees by either of the two major parties..."

5:35 AM  

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