Sunday, December 28, 2008

Job-Hunting Strategies In The New Economy

Since losing my staff-writer job last April, I’ve lost count of how many job applications I’ve sent out and how many job-hunting agencies I’ve registered with. The old “send out your resume and clip file along with a carefully crafted cover letter and hope an offer springs from that” tactic clearly isn’t working for me. But I think I’ve figured out a more productive strategy, which I discuss in today’s column:
The other night I tried selling my soul to Satan in exchange for a secure, fulfilling job offering a decent salary and opportunities for advancement (yes, America, that is what it takes nowadays).
I also tried to get the attention of any readers who might belong to Board of Directors of large, wealthy companies looking to hire a CEO:
Most corporate executives who trash their companies charge hundreds of millions of dollars each year for their services. I’m willing to trash your company for a mere half-million, plus health and dental.

This enormous salary differential could shore up your stock value. Preserve hundreds of jobs. Or fund your next round of executive bonuses and corporate retreats in Maui.
So check out my latest column in the Bristol Press, Middletown Press or New Britain Herald! Unless you’re a titan of industry thinking about hiring me, in which case you should check out these columns after you send me an e-mail containing a lucrative job offer.

13 Comments:

Anonymous smartass sob said...

The other night I tried selling my soul to Satan in exchange for a secure, fulfilling job offering a decent salary and opportunities for advancement

What? You mean you applied for a job in government? ;-)

5:12 PM  
Blogger Jennifer said...

Certainly not, Smartass. I have SOME standards.

7:32 PM  
Blogger Windypundit said...

The smartass is close, but not just any government job will do. Look, you have no apparent skills of value to private industry, you have the urge to waste billions of dollars of taxpayer money, and you're willing to sell your soul. You are clearly destined for elected office.

We have an opening for a U.S. Senator here in Illinois (you may have heard something about it). I'm sure you can qualify for the position under whatever rule Alan Keyes used. If it works, you can thank me with an earmark.

9:50 PM  
Anonymous smartass sob said...

Certainly not, Smartass. I have SOME standards.

Eh? Oh. Well then - (mumble, mumble) beg pardon.

1:17 AM  
Blogger Anne O'Neimaus said...

"...U.S. Senator here in Illinois..."

Yeah, I can't understand that. All the media pundits are saying nobody would touch that position with a ten-foot pole (or nine-foot swede), now, because of the "taint".

Heck, it would probably be worth it just for the excellent medical benefits, not to mention the salary. What do you care if nobody in either chamber will work with you? You're a Libertarian - nobody was going to work with you anyway. Offer Blago a 50% kickback of your salary. He's getting desperate; he might jump at the chance.

3:06 AM  
Blogger Anne O'Neimaus said...

I even have a house on the market in Illinois you could use to establish residency. Easy terms, no money down. just assume the existing overpriced mortgage (and hope the government bails you out to prevent foreclosure). It's Chicago - I'm sure we can dig up some evidence that you've been on the voting roles for years, now.

3:11 AM  
Blogger Anne O'Neimaus said...

You're in!

A Newsletter published by the Illinois Department of Financial and Professional Regulation, published in August, 2008, clearly shows that you are an otherwise-deadbeat resident of the great state of Illinois:

Jennifer R. Abel, Winnebago – nail technician license (169012710)
placed in refuse to
renew status after defaulting on an Illinois educational loan.

(Winnebago is a town in Illinois).

3:31 AM  
Anonymous A Moose said...

nail technician

If she used the loan to pay for the nail technician education, I guess that makes some sense. Otherwise, this kind of thing is more of the problem than any type of solution.

10:38 AM  
Blogger Jennifer said...

Yeah, well, "become an elected official" isn't quite right for me, either. I don't want to tell people how to live their lives; I just want to get obscenely rich without having to do any work. That's why I figure one year as a corporate CEO would be perfect for me.

12:22 PM  
Blogger Windypundit said...

I don't want to tell people how to live their lives

Now there's a campaign slogan I could get behind. Count on me for donations and volunteer work.

5:28 PM  
Blogger Anne O'Neimaus said...

I don't want to tell people how to live their lives...

Well, for the most part an Illinois politician doesn't tell people how to live their lives...just how much it will cost them to do so.

;-)

5:33 AM  
Blogger Anne O'Neimaus said...

If she used the loan to pay for the nail technician education, I guess that makes some sense.

From the state's viewpoint, their reaction seems a bit like debtor's prison - we'll keep you from working until you get enough money to pay us.

5:39 AM  
Anonymous A Moose said...

From the state's viewpoint, their reaction seems a bit like debtor's prison - we'll keep you from working until you get enough money to pay us.

Well, my point was that if she used the student loan to get her nail techncian education (that requires education and licensing?!?), then it's kind of like unjust enrichment for her not to pay her loans. If it's in general, then the state's just being one big dripping asshole.

8:31 AM  

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