Passport Update: Dead Woman Walking
This all happened in the little passport office attached to my nearby post office. The passport guy, after making sure my forms were correct, assured me, "They'll have it out for you tomorrow! Don't worry, you'll be able to go on your vacation!"
"I'm not worried about the state department mailing out my passport in time," I told him. "I'm worried about the mailman delivering it when they do."
"Don't worry," he assured me again. "It'll be sent Fed Ex."
See? Even official auxiliaries of the Department of State know better than to trust the U.S. Postal Service when something really has to get through. After taking care of that, I tried complaining with some postal people but only got a runaround.
So it looks like I'll get another passport in time to leave for Canada, but in the meanwhile I still have my passport and birth certificate in someone else's hands; the post office swears they delivered them, but can't say who the recipient was or where he is.
I have already accepted that within the next year I'll receive a huge bill for a maxed-out credit card I never applied for or a Mexican laetrile farm I never bought. If I'm extra-unfortunate (50/50 odds), the FBI and Interpol will raid my workplace and arrest me for international arms smuggling, and they'll even have the passport stamps to prove it.
I shall protest that 37 witnesses, three of whom are legal adults, can place me at a children's ceramic painting class in Plainville, Connecticut at the time Zimbabwe received the alleged nukes, and furthermore there's an article about said class under my byline in the newspaper archives.
And none of this will matter. I'll still be screwed.