Thursday, July 09, 2009

Passport Update: Dead Woman Walking

So I filled out the official form swearing that no, the post office never delivered my passport to me; no, I'm not lying when I say that; yes, I understand it's illegal to have two valid passports at once; and yes, I promise I'll return the first one if I find it.

This all happened in the little passport office attached to my nearby post office. The passport guy, after making sure my forms were correct, assured me, "They'll have it out for you tomorrow! Don't worry, you'll be able to go on your vacation!"

"I'm not worried about the state department mailing out my passport in time," I told him. "I'm worried about the mailman delivering it when they do."

"Don't worry," he assured me again. "It'll be sent Fed Ex."

See? Even official auxiliaries of the Department of State know better than to trust the U.S. Postal Service when something really has to get through. After taking care of that, I tried complaining with some postal people but only got a runaround.

So it looks like I'll get another passport in time to leave for Canada, but in the meanwhile I still have my passport and birth certificate in someone else's hands; the post office swears they delivered them, but can't say who the recipient was or where he is.

I have already accepted that within the next year I'll receive a huge bill for a maxed-out credit card I never applied for or a Mexican laetrile farm I never bought. If I'm extra-unfortunate (50/50 odds), the FBI and Interpol will raid my workplace and arrest me for international arms smuggling, and they'll even have the passport stamps to prove it.

I shall protest that 37 witnesses, three of whom are legal adults, can place me at a children's ceramic painting class in Plainville, Connecticut at the time Zimbabwe received the alleged nukes, and furthermore there's an article about said class under my byline in the newspaper archives.

And none of this will matter. I'll still be screwed.

7 Comments:

Anonymous smartass sob said...

yes, I promise I'll return the first one if I find it.

I hope you promised to return it via the US Mail. ;-)

6:30 PM  
Anonymous Cap'n NoStar said...

In the name of HOMELAND SECURITY we have to have passports to go to Canada and come home. Funny thing though, if an illegal sneaks across the border, it is a misdemeanor and will get said illegal a trip back to the border. If a U.S. citizen tries the same stunt, it is a felony that could get him/her twenty years in Leavenworth.

I have two questions.

1. Why does an illeagal alien have more freedoms in this country than a citizen?

2. How does this make the U.S. safer?

7:39 PM  
Blogger Jennifer said...

It's simple conditioning, expecting us to accept greater and greater levels of government intrusion into our lives. I remember how appalled I was, post-Columbine, when public schools announced that they would start requiring their students to carry and display school-issued ID cards at all times; I said to a friend, "They are the first group of American citizens required to carry and show ID, not because they chose a specific job with a security clearnace (for example), but simply because they are who they are."

7:04 AM  
Blogger The Captain said...

In 6th grade (circa 1966) we learned how in totalitarian countries like NAZI Germany and the USSR, papers were necessary to get a job and to travel. That is why we were superior to them; we were free.

I don't know how Lee Greenwood can sing "I'm proud to be an American, where at least I know I'm free."

Enjoy your trip north. Perhaps you can research the ins and outs of surviving "free" healthcare. It should be necessary knowledge very soon.

Cap'n NoStar

6:18 PM  
Blogger Caveman Lawyer said...

I don't know how Lee Greenwood can sing "I'm proud to be an American, where at least I know I'm free."

Because he's an idiot.

11:14 AM  
Anonymous A Moose said...

Cost me an additional four hours driving last week, as my passport had expired. As they say down south, "THIS IS BULLLLSHIT"

6:21 PM  
Anonymous A Moose said...

You could, however, be more screwed...you could be living in the People's Republic of Maryland.

4:36 AM  

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