Tuesday, March 30, 2010

Boobs Explode! I Told You So

September 9, 2006: I point out the utter uselessness of TSA's ostensibly anti-terrorist rules by asking:
Why hasn’t some enterprising terrorist outfitted a flat-chested female suicide bomber with plastic-explosive breast implants yet? The beauty of a plan like that (from a villainous mastermind perspective) is, even if the plot fails in the sense that the bombs are discovered before they can be set off, it will be a success in terms of terrorizing the population. Consider: the infidel government has already banned certain foods and all beverages, toothpastes, hair-styling products, and anything else that might theoretically be an explosive in disguise. If the government discovered an implant plot, its overreaction would do more to disrupt American air travel than detonating a nuke at O'Hare.
March 30, 2010: British intelligence agency MI5 reports that Muslim female suicide bombers are "getting explosive charges inside their breasts." The story says it would only take enough explosive to fill a C-cup bra to blow a hole in a plane's fuselage and cause it to crash. Though the Gizmodo writer points out something a tad suspicious about the timing of this discovery:
When they are inside clothing or bags, you can easily detect PETN using scanners or chemical test swabs. But the report says that these bombs would be almost impossible to detect when they are inside a body... unless you install human body scanners at airports.

And that's when things get oddly convenient for some companies, pushing hard for the installation of not-so-effective airport body scanners. Just in the middle of the debate, which has rights and privacy watchers pup [sic] in arms, here's a report that says that the only way to stop these highly dangerous naughty bits are body scanners.

I don't doubt that the MI5's intentions are good this time—even while they weren't good at all back in the ramping up of misinformation before the Iraq invasion—but there's something here that smells a bit fishy.
Assuming the stories are true, I can't help but wonder: are these scanners capable of distinguishing between explosive boob jobs and the ordinary kind? Given the amount of silicone found in modern California ladies, I predict flying out of Los Angeles will soon become even more obnoxious than it already is.

And another prediction: when, inevitably, the next terrorist attack happens in the United States, nobody in the government is going to say "Well, taking away your civil liberties did jack-shit to prevent this attack, so we'll give you your freedoms back!" No, no, a fact-finding commission of overpaid bureaucrats will solemnly conclude the terrorists took advantage of loopholes in the constitution, so to protect the population from the danger of terrorists we need to put them in more danger from their own government.

Criticize Kim Jong-Il all you want, the government will say, but you gotta admit this: al-Qaeda has never successfully pulled off an attack in North Korea.

5 Comments:

Anonymous Russ 2000 said...

I'm waiting for the day someone invents explosives that are set off by scanning waves.

11:56 AM  
Anonymous Jeff P said...

I immediately wondered about the internal ethics of such an act.

If we assume that these female suicide bombers, and their cell leaders, are tried-n-true Muslim absolutists, there's a lot to justify.
To receive such implants, these women need to allow their breasts to be seen, handled, and augmented by men they are not married to, unless Al Queda keeps a stable of cosmetic surgeons available for quickie marriages to their more militant women.
The only way around it would be for a man to command his wife or daughter to undergo such a procedure, but letting a woman do your job of blowing yourself up wouldn't go over too big either.

Lastly, what awaits a female suicide bomber upon death? Does she get virgins as well?

8:26 AM  
Blogger Jennifer said...

Many years ago the Guardian did a story about an Israeli prison for failed female suicide bombers; the reporter interviewed various inmates and asked them what they'd get in heaven. This one utterly pathetic female said she'd be the head virgin, the "fairest of the fair."

It was very depressing; I kept picturing an enslaved cotton-picker in the Old South talking about how maybe, if he's really really good, when he dies and goes to heaven he'll get to be the Head House Slave, the one who reports only to Ole Massa and gets to tell all the other slaves what to do.

8:50 AM  
Anonymous A Moose said...

But, Jennifer, it's for your own protection!

I volunteer SASOB to do the inevitable hands on squeeze test.

8:35 AM  
Blogger Charles Pergiel said...

Al-Queda has been waging Jihad against North Korea for years, but Kimmy baby doesn't like to talk about it.

Actually, I think this is just one more way to separate the Alphas from the Betas. Alphas fly on private planes and never have to endure any kind of security check. Betas are cattle and are lucky their seats are padded.

Or maybe it's a way to identify the women without enhancements, so they can be invited to travel with an Alpha.

Okay, this was a little jumbled. Shoot me.

5:25 PM  

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