Wednesday, September 29, 2010

Get Thee Behind Me, Satan!

As a heterosexual female, I've never had much difficulty finding men willing to consider sex with me. Statistically speaking, I couldn't say that had I been a homosexual man: a straight woman can honestly claim "Up to ninety percent of the male population might do me," while a gay man is limited to the remaining ten percent (unless he's in an American prison).

So gay guys must learn to recognize subtle cues indicating a man's a potential sex partner, like "he wears an earring in a certain lobe" or "he's a right-wing political or religious figure who spends lots of time lambasting the evils of homosexuality." Ted Haggard. Larry Craig. They know what I mean.

That said, even the most finely tuned gaydar occasionally shows a false reading, so I cannot state with absolute certainly that Michigan assistant state attorney general Andrew Shirvell is a homosexual so far in the closet he's conquered Narnia. What I can say about Shirvell is this: something about hunky college boy Chris Armstrong, the University of Michigan's first openly gay student-body president, dumped an economy-sized can of obsessiveness into whatever's simmering in the pressure cooker of Shirvell's brain.

Shirvell, posting as "Concerned Michigan Alumnus," started the Chris Armstrong Watch blog, filled with long lurid ramblings illustrated by swastikas and rainbow flags crudely Photoshopped onto pictures of Armstrong. Shirvell calls him "Satan's representative on the student assembly," and made similar claims during his sadly entertaining and partially coherent interview with Anderson Cooper. Despite his busy schedule, Shirvell has also found time to picket Armstrong's house.

Of course, none of this constitutes solid proof that Andrew Shirvell fantasizes about Chris Armstrong when he masturbates. Even though Satan's homosexual representatives on the student assembly always behave so abominably, those wicked naughty degenerates, fantasizing about using their rock-solid hard oiled bodies to pin down helpless doughy God-fearing assistant state attorneys general Chris oh Chris EVIL FUCKING HOMO FAGGOT I HATE YOU!!! I've always hated you! Loathed your hard tan toned body thrusting with arrogant Godless confidence across the sweaty acres of the Quad with your long pulsating manhood ever-ready to violate my helpless holy Christian ass. Get thee behind me, Satan! Get thee behind me now, right now, I can't wait any longer, spray your white-hot homosexual agenda all over ME OH YES YES FUCK YES FUCK ME SATAN YES yes yes yeeeeees ... [trails off into unconsciousness] [snores for the next six hours].

I have absolutely no proof that's what's going on here.

I'm willing to bet a good chunk of my savings on it, though.


Blogger Windypundit said...

"a homosexual so far in the closet he's conquered Narnia."

I am in awe of you, Jennifer. I bow down to your superior snark powers.

8:54 AM  
Blogger Jennifer said...

Aw, thanks, Windy! {Blushes} I'm rather fond of "spray your white-hot homosexual agenda all over me," myself.



12:11 PM  
Anonymous the innominate one said...

Your phrases do frequently turn most excellently, as demonstrated here.

Also, I'll note that for some inexplicable reason, the captcha I see is "storanum", which is awfully close to "store anus".

3:51 PM  
Anonymous Wayne said...

And you couldn't keep your job as a phone sex operator?

10:24 AM  
Blogger Jennifer said...

None of my clients were repressed closet cases, Wayne.

11:35 AM  
Anonymous smacky said...


"storanum" = anagram for "Santorum".

8:45 PM  
Anonymous the innominate one said...

Good call, smacky. I admire your anagramatically advanced mind.

4:22 PM  
Blogger Eric said...

Hilarious! Don't forget Eddie Long.

9:39 AM  
Blogger The New England Curmudgeon said...

So funny, I came to this through the circular route: Ed Brayton quoted you on his blog. Freakin' hilarious, Ms. Abel!

9:54 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Shirvell is currently on leave of absence. I don't buy for a second that the guy kept "work and play" separate. There are a couple of IT guys over at the State of Michigan combing through IP addresses and WILL find matches. When Shirvell returns to the table he'll be shown the evidence, will submit a letter of resignation and that'll be the end of it. AG Cox won't have to terminate, or give reason for termination. I hope it doesn't turn out that way. I want him to fight. I love a good freakshow (cue Christine O'Donnell "I'm not a witch" video)

11:17 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Thank you for a hilarious poke at a poor example of a closeted gay republican! You made me laugh out loud and spray beer on my laptop.

1:44 PM  
Blogger jsoutofbiblepgs said...


2:00 PM  
Blogger Karen said...

One of the things I've noticed is that bigotry doesn't make sense. I don't just mean in the "play fair and be nice" moral way--I mean it's illogical. Bigotry bangs it head up against the solid wall of fact again and again.

An assistant DA obsesses over a "hunky college boy" but protests his supposed gay agenda?

New York City recently had a horrible incident of anti-gay violence, but I can't help noting a certain dark ironic humor: a street gang discovered that one of their new recruits was gay. Outraged they... uh, they stripped him naked and sexually assaulted him. And then for no apparent reason (except that they enjoyed it the first time?) they found another young man whom they believed to be gay and did it again. And yet again, they assaulted an older man whom they believed to be the gay lover of the first victim.

As of the last news report I heard, eight gang members were under arrest for the attacks. They should enjoy prison life.

2:15 PM  
Blogger James Hanley said...

Brilliant, Jennifer. I only wish I could write like you.

My only point of disagreement is that I didn't find Shirvell's interview on Anderson Cooper in any way entertaining, just creepy. I don't think his problem is limited to repressed homosexual desires.

2:57 PM  
Blogger Aratina Cage said...

Great write up! I would throw my lot in with you. It is just too obvious. Shirvell appeared to go all googley eyed (twitterpated) when speaking of Armstrong on Anderson Cooper's show--and I don't wonder why. I got the feeling that if someone close to Shirvell were to tell him that being gay is OK, that there is nothing wrong with loving another man, Shirvell would come out in a heartbeat.

9:34 PM  
Blogger Rupert said...

I want to have your babies!

11:40 PM  
Blogger Jason Failes said...

I've actually heard, and repeated, "so far in the closet he can see Narnia", but "conquered Narnia" takes it to a whole new level. Bravo.

11:31 AM  
Blogger Bryce Thomason said...

What is irrefutable is that there absolutely seems to be a ""gay agenda." If you accept my premise, you might want to know what that agenda is? It would appear to be general acceptance and the patina of normalcy. For years the American Psychological Association had classified homosexuality as an illness.

12:39 AM  
Blogger Jennifer Abel said...

Thanks for your comment, Bryce, though I'm not sure why you chose to make it on a blog post now nearly three years old. Nonetheless:

If you accept my premise, you might want to know what that agenda is? It would appear to be general acceptance and the patina of normalcy.

They want to be allowed to live their lives normally? Oooooooh, how scary.

For years the American Psychological Association had classified homosexuality as an illness.

And then they realized they were wrong.

8:42 AM  

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