Get Thee Behind Me, Satan!
So gay guys must learn to recognize subtle cues indicating a man's a potential sex partner, like "he wears an earring in a certain lobe" or "he's a right-wing political or religious figure who spends lots of time lambasting the evils of homosexuality." Ted Haggard. Larry Craig. They know what I mean.
That said, even the most finely tuned gaydar occasionally shows a false reading, so I cannot state with absolute certainly that Michigan assistant state attorney general Andrew Shirvell is a homosexual so far in the closet he's conquered Narnia. What I can say about Shirvell is this: something about hunky college boy Chris Armstrong, the University of Michigan's first openly gay student-body president, dumped an economy-sized can of obsessiveness into whatever's simmering in the pressure cooker of Shirvell's brain.
Shirvell, posting as "Concerned Michigan Alumnus," started the Chris Armstrong Watch blog, filled with long lurid ramblings illustrated by swastikas and rainbow flags crudely Photoshopped onto pictures of Armstrong. Shirvell calls him "Satan's representative on the student assembly," and made similar claims during his sadly entertaining and partially coherent interview with Anderson Cooper. Despite his busy schedule, Shirvell has also found time to picket Armstrong's house.
Of course, none of this constitutes solid proof that Andrew Shirvell fantasizes about Chris Armstrong when he masturbates. Even though Satan's homosexual representatives on the student assembly always behave so abominably, those wicked naughty degenerates, fantasizing about using their rock-solid hard oiled bodies to pin down helpless doughy God-fearing assistant state attorneys general Chris oh Chris EVIL FUCKING HOMO FAGGOT I HATE YOU!!! I've always hated you! Loathed your hard tan toned body thrusting with arrogant Godless confidence across the sweaty acres of the Quad with your long pulsating manhood ever-ready to violate my helpless holy Christian ass. Get thee behind me, Satan! Get thee behind me now, right now, I can't wait any longer, spray your white-hot homosexual agenda all over ME OH YES YES FUCK YES FUCK ME SATAN YES yes yes yeeeeees ... [trails off into unconsciousness] [snores for the next six hours].
I have absolutely no proof that's what's going on here.
I'm willing to bet a good chunk of my savings on it, though.