Wednesday, May 22, 2013

Giving Petty Thanks To The Lord

Last summer I got married for health-insurance-acquisition purposes, and last weekend--joy of joys!--I got to use some of that insurance for the first time. So I was all set to post a reasonably funny snark-fest about my visit to the urgent-care center, but then a tornado destroyed Moore, Oklahoma and killed many people therein and .... yeah, suddenly complaints about hurting my bare foot via dropping a can of potatoes on it sound pretty damned petty.

But at least I'm not petty (or stupid) enough to run around telling tornado victims who've just lost everything "You've got to thank the Lord," as CNN's Wolf Blitzer did to an Oklahoma woman who turned out to be a fellow atheist. That said: although I am less petty than Wolf Blitzer I am much pettier than that Oklahoma tornado survivor, because she was very polite and good-natured about Blitzer's asinine question whereas I, most likely, would have snapped, "Hey, Lord, thanks for trashing my house and everything I own and my whole neighborhood, and especially thanks for letting those little kids drown in the basement of their wrecked school. Hope you at least had the decency to strike the poor children unconscious before drowning them, although I doubt it. But at least you spared me, so you can't be ALL bad, right? Thanks for valuing my life so much more than the lives of the dead, even though you did let that can of potatoes make my foot swell up so badly I literally couldn't wear shoes for several days."


Anonymous The Lord, thy God, said...

... even though you did let that can of potatoes make my foot swell up so badly I literally couldn't wear shoes for several days."

What. You expect me to suspend the laws of Nature just because you happen to be clumsy and slow of reflex, Miss Butterfingers? If you had used fresh potatoes and peeled them, like a good little wife.... Oh never mind - you'd have probably sliced your fingers off anyway.

12:02 PM  
Blogger Jennifer Abel said...

Yo, God, I spent several shoeless days barefoot at home. Which means I've met my traditional-good-wife- behavior quota for at least the next decade, and if You don't like it You can kiss the ass You created. Preferably while I'm squeezing out another of Your divinely ordained creations from 'twixt the cheeks. Come by a few hours after I eat dinner tonight.

12:15 PM  
Anonymous The Lord, thy God, said...

Oh, count your blessings, woman. After all, I could have made you a Jew, you know - my favorite people.

2:02 PM  

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