Wednesday, November 17, 2010

Sex Abuse Via The TSA: It's Actually Come To This

Did you know there really is something to the cliche "I saw red?" Get enough blood pumping through your eyeball veins and damned if an actual crimson flash won't momentarily dim your vision.

Ever since I started this blog (and my professional writing career) in 2006, TSA stupidity has been a basic staple topic: "Why hasn’t some enterprising terrorist outfitted a flat-chested female suicide bomber with plastic-explosive breast implants yet?"


One night last summer I trimmed my hangnails in a hotel room 2,000 miles from my home, an act of anti-government rebellion that could’ve put my name on a terrorist watch list if anybody in the TSA knew that I’d smuggled a set of nail clippers in the single carry-on bag I bring along on business trips."

Though TSA knows it simply must have electricity to play its extremely vital role in keeping America safe, none of the organization’s wise and brilliant leaders, like Kip Hawley, ever once thought “since terrorist attacks and natural disasters are both wont to cause power failures maybe we should have a few goddamned generators lying around in case there’s an emergency.”

"Last week when I flew out of state I carried four ounces of shampoo and eight ounces of conditioner onto the plane with me. That’s right: I made it through with twelve ounces of hair-cleaning materiel where regulation only allowed for six .... A lot of people could die if I share my evil-genius smuggling brilliance with the world. That would be a heavy burden to bear on my conscience, except I don't have one. Are you surprised to learn this? You shouldn't be: if I'm sociopathic enough to bring more than three ounces of shampoo onto an airplane, it naturally follows that I'm callous enough to throw millions of lives away if I think I can get a blog post out of it. "

And as a staff writer for the Hartford Advocate, I reported on "Behavior Detection Officers, TSA agents trained (more or less) to wander through airports looking for secret hidden facial expressions that indicate you're up to no good."

Ludicrous, every last incident, and unconstitutional to boot, yet ultimately silly enough that TSA could be largely dismissed by most as a worthless and frivolous joke. But now they've gone too far. At long last my fellow Americans agree with me: those contemptible bullying bastards with badges have gone too far. Over at the Guardian I explain why the Hobson's choice between nude photography and molestation-style patdowns is nothing more than state-sanctioned sexual assault.

Let the backlash begin, and let it be as merciless as the TSA itself. But (unlike the TSA) let it actually be effective. For starters, I'd suggest disbanding the TSA and blackballing every one of its employees -- up to and including Janet Napolitano -- from ever wielding any form of legal authority over their fellow citizens again.

2 Comments:

Anonymous The boogeyman said...

Your piece in the Guardian is certainly one of the worst pieces of journalism I've ever come across in a publication of any significance. Hysterical, ignorant, paranoid, misleading drivel.

Have a nic eday.

5:15 PM  
Anonymous smartass sob said...

@ The boogeyman,

You must not read much in the way of journalism, booger - I rather liked the piece myself. I saw nothing ignorant, paranoid, or misleading about it - and though you call it hysterical, I perceive it to be merely spirited writing. It has an angry tone, as well it should.

Now go away, boogeyman. Boo!

12:29 PM  

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