Tuesday, August 07, 2012

Mamas, Don't Let Your Babies Grow Up To Read Cosmo

If I had a teenaged daughter and wanted her to grow up with a healthy sense of self-confidence, I'd buy her a subscription to Playboy before I'd let her read Cosmo (and I'm not just saying that because I've been published in Playboy, either). For all Playboy's airbrushed unreality, its essential message is "women are great, and so is personal freedom," which beats the hell out of the Cosmo premise "You aren't good enough."

FIFTEEN SEXY NEW EYE-MAKEUP TECHNIQUES (which you need to master because your natural eyes are so hideously ugly on their own, you'll never get laid without the right mascara)

KICKY NEW FIGURE-ENHANCING FASHIONS (necessary because your unenhanced figure, quite frankly, looks like a cow's)

HOW TO MAKE HIM COMMIT TO YOU (which due to your various personality flaws he'd otherwise never consider doing unless you follow the techniques outlined in this-here $4.95 magazine)

LOSE TEN POUNDS BY BATHING SUIT SEASON (Christ, what a lardass you are)

MUST-HAVE TRENDY CLOTHES THAT WILL BE HOPELESSLY OUT OF STYLE BY THIS TIME NEXT YEAR (nonetheless you need to buy them if you ever want a man in your life. What, save your money for investment purposes? Pshaw, a man is the only investment you'll ever need).


Blogger bhami3 said...

If you watch the cover of Cosmo over time, you will clearly see that there is a law that the word "sex" is required to appear somewhere on every cover.

10:29 AM  
Blogger Windypundit said...

What gets me is that every time I see Cosmo on the newsstand there are cover blurbs like "52 Sex Tips: Wow Your Man With These Moves,". And then next week, "17 Tips For Giving Him Better Oral Sex," and then the week after that, "65 Sex Tips You Didn't Know," and then the week after that is the special sex issue with "250 Sex Tips From the Experts," and then the week after that, it's "47 Ways to Turn Your Man On And Then Get Him Off," and then next week...

Really, ladies, men aren't that complicated. If you know 10 things about sex, that will probably do

10:46 AM  
Anonymous smartass sob said...

the Cosmo premise "You aren't good enough."

Judging from the series of article titles listed it would appear that the basic premise is "women wish to control and manipulate men and here is how to go about it." It is supposed to be empowering, I suppose, 'though it is somewhat difficult to tell who is manipulating whom.

1:04 PM  
Blogger Windypundit said...

By the way, I've always heard that Playboy (unlike the ads in fashion magazines) doesn't actually airbrush their pictorials. That's not to say the models would look like that when they just woke up. It's just that Playboy shoots are expensive and very well planned, almost like miniature movie productions. A lot of care goes into makeup, set dressing, posing, lighting, and camera work.

4:44 PM  

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