Friday, November 22, 2013

In Remembrance of the Holiday Spirit of Giving

And Jesus said unto the multitude: "Go forth into thine pantry and taketh out the non-expired canned goods which thou likest not anyway, and giveth unto the poor the gifts of beans green, Lima and pinto, and off-brand hash and succotash, and if thou wipest the dust off the cans before their donation, yea, greatly shalt the food bank volunteers be grateful unto you."

Incidentally, has there ever been a can of Lima beans consumed by the actual purchaser? My theory is that they're sold exclusively to prison cooks, school cafeteria cooks, and people who like to let canned goods ripen in their pantries before giving them to the food banks. And maybe parents who hate their kids. I bet Joan Crawford made her kids eat Lima beans all the time.

Wednesday, November 06, 2013

Cuccinelli Proves Republicans Still Don't Get It

Great is the wailing and gnashing of teeth among Republicans in the aftermath of Virginia's gubernatorial election yesterday, after Ken Cuccinelli lost to thoroughly uninspiring Democratic candidate Terry McAuliffe.

Of course I voted for Robert Sarvis the libertarian. Point worth making to those who are outraged over the Virginia election results (either that McAuliffe won, or that Cuccinelli lost): the Cooch didn't lose because voters like me chose Sarvis. Cooch lost because he gave voters like me no good reasons to choose him, and plenty of good reasons not to. The statement "McAuliffe sucks" is undeniably true, but it does not follow that "Cooch therefore does not suck, and deserves my vote." And remember: "taking personal responsibility for your failings" isn't just good advice for ordinary citizens who wonder why their lives are a mess; it's also good advice for major political parties who wonder why they keep losing elections even when their opposing candidates are awful.

Even in some Bizarro World where I approved of Cooch's social-engineering goals, I still would not have voted for him because I am utterly appalled by his willingness to promote hyper-broad laws, then promise to apply them only narrowly: "Oh, yeah, this bill as written outlaws all acts of sodomy but trust me: I'll only use it against the pedos." "Oh, yeah, this 'fetal personhood' bill as written outlaws certain forms of contraception but trust me: I won't use it that way." 

Screw the Cooch: one reason I'm a libertarian is because I don't trust anybody with that much power. Cuccinelli sought to replace the Rule of Law with the Rule of Prosecutorial Whims, and if I ingested all the LSD in the world I still couldn't hallucinate badly enough to think such an attitude toward the law is remotely pro-freedom or pro-libertarian.

Still, despite everything, I cling to the thin hope that maybe, just maybe, the Republicans will get it through their collective heads: the way to win libertarian votes is to adopt libertarian platforms rather than whine about Democrats and non-procreative sex. Because, seriously: Cuccinelli convincing himself that Sarvis is the only reason why I didn't want to vote for the Cooch is as sane as the homeless schizo under the bridge thinking my significant other is the only reason why I didn't want to co-habitate with the schizo under the bridge.

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